I know I have a rage problem. I just don’t know what to do with it. I get mad at people, I get mad at myself…I get mad at the way things are. The worst feeling you can ever have is a total lack of control of the things around you, things about you or others…that helpless feeling when you know things could be different, if only you knew how to make them so. I channel this feeling in different ways. When I was in university, I’d get so angry that I’d study! (yeah i know it sounds lunatic, but trust me, I scored really well). Sometimes, I’d cook, or clean or arrange stuff…But sometimes, you just want to hurl something out of the window…(this used to be my cellphone).. break something… or tear some important papers…or the occassional hurting myself bit. This usually involved sharp objects and walls. The wierd thing is that I actually started this bit when I was around 2-3 years old. I used to have something they call “temper tandrums”. I used to run at top speed right into a wall…used to freak the shit out of my parents. Sometimes, I get so angry, that I often wonder what it’d be like to slash my wrist.(Maybe its got to do with the whole “blood boiling” concept). I have a friend who did that (no kidding) and he lived…But I’m kinda scared to try it.. what if I’m not that lucky!
Like I said before, its that helpless feeling, when you know you cant win someone’s heart back, or when you cant make people act more humane all by yourself… when you know that there’s only so much you can do..and it isnt nearly enough.
Its not the same as giving up, its not the same as suicide.. its just that you want to hurt yourself but not quite kill yourself… you’re sane enough to know the difference, but not strong enough to not feel that way.
I know that when I reread this entry, some other day, when I am calm and composed…I am gonna be pretty scandalised myself, at what I’ve written. But I can’t help myself. Thank God,I’m still typing on the keyboard and not smashing the monitor with it. (or whatever other damage is possible with a keyboard)


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