Here I am, living on my money, in my apartment, wearing clothes and shoes I paid for, feeding myself from my own wallet…is this independence? maybe. Then how is it that I feel I have absolutely no control over anything in my life?
No control at all…I don’t know where I am or where I’ll be…I am not a huge fan of certainty..but I am not a groupie for unpredictability either.
I know, I know… we are all in this together, 90% of twenty-something around the world are as dumbfounded as I am. I had a talk with a good friend on mine in Tokyo, she asked me the same questions she was asking herself…and we both don’t know where to go, what to do, where to really begin our life, or if it has already begun, where to take it from here.
I’m okay with uncertainty in my job. The way I see it, I’m only 23…and I have a whole life to loathe every job I work in. So if I’m gonna be working for such a long time, I don’t have to freak myself out and get psyched by everyone else who’s charted out their courses much better than I have. Fine, one down? I hope so.
I’m trying to be okay with uncertainty in my relationships. Convinced my parents that there was no way in hell I was going into an arranged marriage. That’s settled. Unfortunately, the damned Indian wedding involves two sets of parents. I know this is crazy, but I’ve actually chosen the venue for my wedding. And I can’t afford it. So I don’t think it’ll happen. I’m trying to convince myself that weddings are not all about glamour. I’m not entirely convinced yet. I don’t know what age I’ll be married at. I wanted to be wed by the age of 23..but I don’t want that anymore.
I can never execute my travel plans. I have no control over this and it upsets me to no end. I aim high and shoot low, sometimes I don’t shoot at all. This year the following plans have failed beyond reconciliation.
Oz- Too expensive for family
Mauritius- I got confirmed tickets, family didn’t.
Europe- Chose to go to India for Diwali, hence no money to go to Europe.
Phuket- Boyfriend’s free for exactly ONE weekend in the whole goddamn year, no tickets in that weekend in our budget. (talk about a cruel joke)
I am disappointed with myself as much as I am with circumstances. Times like these, I wish I was a boy, because then I’d have the balls to travel alone without the fear of getting mugged and raped. I should know better than to make these plans public and then make an ass of myself by never actually going anywhere. But if you don’t dream……
I have no control over my fitness because my stupid leg doesn’t allow me to exercise.
I have no control over my money because I am always making big purchases for home, that I can’t refuse. And it will be a long time till I can clear my present loans, quit this shit of a job and go get another loan to study some more.
I don’t impress me any more. I need to raise the bar higher.