Wish I could fly

Its amazing…
Here I am, living on my money, in my apartment, wearing clothes and shoes I paid for, feeding myself from my own wallet…is this independence? maybe. Then how is it that I feel I have absolutely no control over anything in my life?
No control at all…I don’t know where I am or where I’ll be…I am not a huge fan of certainty..but I am not a groupie for unpredictability either.

I know, I know… we are all in this together, 90% of twenty-something around the world are as dumbfounded as I am. I had a talk with a good friend on mine in Tokyo, she asked me the same questions she was asking herself…and we both don’t know where to go, what to do, where to really begin our life, or if it has already begun, where to take it from here.

I’m okay with uncertainty in my job. The way I see it, I’m only 23…and I have a whole life to loathe every job I work in. So if I’m gonna be working for such a long time, I don’t have to freak myself out and get psyched by everyone else who’s charted out their courses much better than I have. Fine, one down? I hope so.

I’m trying to be okay with uncertainty in my relationships. Convinced my parents that there was no way in hell I was going into an arranged marriage. That’s settled. Unfortunately, the damned Indian wedding involves two sets of parents. I know this is crazy, but I’ve actually chosen the venue for my wedding. And I can’t afford it. So I don’t think it’ll happen. I’m trying to convince myself that weddings are not all about glamour. I’m not entirely convinced yet. I don’t know what age I’ll be married at. I wanted to be wed by the age of 23..but I don’t want that anymore.

I can never execute my travel plans. I have no control over this and it upsets me to no end. I aim high and shoot low, sometimes I don’t shoot at all. This year the following plans have failed beyond reconciliation.
Oz- Too expensive for family
Mauritius- I got confirmed tickets, family didn’t.
Europe- Chose to go to India for Diwali, hence no money to go to Europe.
Phuket- Boyfriend’s free for exactly ONE weekend in the whole goddamn year, no tickets in that weekend in our budget. (talk about a cruel joke)
I am disappointed with myself as much as I am with circumstances. Times like these, I wish I was a boy, because then I’d have the balls to travel alone without the fear of getting mugged and raped. I should know better than to make these plans public and then make an ass of myself by never actually going anywhere. But if you don’t dream……

I have no control over my fitness because my stupid leg doesn’t allow me to exercise.
I have no control over my money because I am always making big purchases for home, that I can’t refuse. And it will be a long time till I can clear my present loans, quit this shit of a job and go get another loan to study some more.

I don’t impress me any more. I need to raise the bar higher.


14 thoughts on “Wish I could fly

  1. Join the club!And I’m not sure if this is infectious… but we all seem to be thinking the same goddamn thing right now!I’ve thought too much about it now… and decided to take 1 day at a time. For atleast some time.

  2. Real… pretty darn real.I am right now in no position to have an answer for your questions. I am more or les in the same situation, maybe even worse. And I got no clue how to get out of it.And I clearly remember the last time I thought I was down in the dumps. I remember how I gradually rose up from there.Life’s full of ups and downs, that I know for sure. and when you’re down there’s no where to go but up.People used to tell me that and I used to say, “Are you crazy. I am standing at rock bottom with a drilling machine in my hand!”I was. I still am. But the point is, there’s only a point till where you can drill. You just have to come back up.Imagine life without the lows, the downs. It’s gotta be so boring.What can I say… wait for your time. Like I’m waiting for mine.

  3. At first glance it would seem like a rant but I must say its quite an inspirational piece. There are a lot of us there who realise where the monotony is setting in and how much control they might have but seldom can we pin point the root cause as well you seem to have.Well you know where you’re falling… its only that gap of making it up that you gotta do. All the best!

  4. Great piece. I was browsing and casually reading different blogs. I read the first sentence in urs and just got hooked to the whole. I am in your position. Actually, I think I am even more lost. I still have to get a Real Satisfying Grip on many important ball-bearings in my life. But as I think deeper…I wonder if every stage in life will bring its own challenges and insecurities and uncertainties. I believe it will…I believe even people who we think are all “figured out” have their own unique challenges and insecurities and pressures and yet-to-be-fulfilled aspirations. So we might be tempted to compare, but it’s best for our spirit, that we dont.I think we figure things out “as we go along”. This is our journey! This is our canvas. Sure we can’t control the weather, but we can control how we react to it. We should perhaps cut ourselves some slack and be a little easy on ourselves. I might keep going on and on…:-)Best wishes..for a very satisfying life.

  5. oh jups.its them shoes i tell ya.seriously though..gosh i dont know what to say..does everyone go through what you’re going through?i have a feeling things like this have a way of working themselves out…..*shrugs*i dont know jups!*hug* chin up babes

  6. Saurabh- You’re inspired by my moment of un-inspiration. Very interesting.Harshi-Aloha there! I like how you compare life to a canvas, that was very thoughtful of you..Mahi-Yes dear, university is all happy times, and now work life is all about being jaded or lost. But there’s always hope!

  7. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your doing alot better than alot of other people out there, you know exactly whats wrong so your kinda step ahead of people who don’t have a clue. And charting things out really doesn’t work, something goes awry and those kinds get thrown off course and suddenly they left flailing. (ive seen it.)

  8. Well yes I am … you see all our lives we search… search for that missing link…the void….our muse or our true calling… little do we realise that it just takes a little bit of sorting to align ourselves. But aligning ourselves requires much introspection and thought. On needs to find those gray areas of uncertainity and dis contentment and improve upon them. I see you have them all pinned down.. which is far ahead from where I am. So it should be gratifying to know that all you have to do now is wor on ’em… that’s the easy part….& fun too.

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