Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Cunt! Bitch! Whore!
I am so fucking pissed off. I had the worst experience yesterday. I got off work early yesterday evening, so I thought to myself, Desperate Housewives doesn’t start until 9 so I can get a pedicure. So I shuffled into this spa and asked for an express pedi (as opposed to a regular pedi)
For the uninitiated women, and all straight men, an express pedicure is exactly what it sounds like- its faster, cheaper and great great news if you schedule dates at the very last minute. Please note that I don’t do them because they’re cheaper, I do them because they’re quicker. But this little bitch of a pedicurist tries to convince to take the full package (which takes an hour) by making fun of my feet.
“Why don’t you get a full pedicure? You have a lot of dead skin”
(The nerve on her to mock my beautiful tiny feet. The Jups, she is very confident of her seductive feet)
“No, I am rushing to get home and I know that would take an hour”
“Well, when do you have to get there by?”
(Like its any of her fucking business)
“as soon as possible, so maybe some other time”
An interesting fact about the mani/pedi experience is that a lot of women become intimately close with the manicurists and talk about life, boyfriends, work yadda yadda blah blah..
I don’t. Honestly, I feel no obligation to share my life with some no-good loser just because she’s painting my nails. I’m paying for it, okay? So, my usual drill is to ask for some stupid beauty magazine and read for the following articles which are repeated over and over and over in every single issue.
- Ten ways to lose weight (by gagging, binging, drinking, starving, eating, sex, etc)
- Five ways to pleasure your man (For mature audiences only, and please don’t read during meals)
- Meet four women who dumped their men (wow! AND THEIR REASONS)
- Ten reasons why breasts are not important. (Read the rivetting tales of some (no offence) flat-chested woman)
- Six dresses that make your breasts look bigger (Yeah, I don’t get it either)
- Shopping tips, Make-up tips, fashion updates. ( My fave)
Anyway back to my spa nightmare. She proceeds to clean out my existing purple nail color (which looked very nice by the way) and then disappears. I continue reading…four women who made men cry by saying “I don’t”…fascinating. Ten minutes.
“Err, excuse me?”
“One moment please, I’m collecting payment from another customer”
Gucci’s new Charmbracelet…I must have that. I must.
Prada’s ad campaign is lame. And Guess’s is cheap.
Holy shit that dress is magnifique…Gucci..I worship thee.
Enough. My blood is boiling. I quietly pick up my bag, put on my shoes and go to the counter.
“I’m sorry but you’ve been keeping me waiting for FIFTEEN MINUTES and I have to go”
I STORM OUT. OKAY? WHAT THE FUCK OKAY? CUNT! I HOPE SHE GETS FOOTROT ON HER NAILS! UGLY SOW! I DONT PAY YOU 20 FUCKING DOLLARS TO TALK TO SOME OTHER OLD CUNT WHO’S BITCHING ABOUT HER EX-HUSBAND DAMNNIT! AND I HAVE GORGEOUS FEET, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
I was too angry to say anything, because if I had, I’d probably get arrested for hurling profanities. ( No serious, some woman was actually arrested yesterday for swearing). I called my boyfriend immediately. Didn’t get through. Screw that shit. Dialled fucking Hong Kong and cursed and cursed and cursed over long distance. I was yelling “THAT BITCH LEFT MY NAILS UNPAINTED”
Went back home, got a pizza on the way. Couldn’t finish it. Losing weight these days, so no appetite. Bitch ruined my dinner. Unforgiveable.
The wrath of Jupiter has been called upon. (No serious, he was one of the most foul-tempered Greek Gods). The revenge shall be swift and painful. The revenge of the pedicure. Filing soon at a theatre near you.