Suspicious Minds

We interrupt our regular programme for this very special news report.

The Jupiter, she’s been out collecting very valuable data and has arrived at some very disturbing results. It seems that many very eligible Bombay men may be missing their balls. The cause of this grave problem is not known, but the symptoms are far-reaching, much to the disappoint of her sizzling sistahs. The Bombay boy has some very good qualities, he is usually good-looking and much more chivalrous than the lot. But he also stays with his mom and Jupiter’s research shows, may be missing his balls. Are you one of these men? Take the test.

On your zero-eth or first date, do you do any or all of the following?

1. Discuss vomit-inducing topics like marriage or children
2. Discuss #1 in the context of religion, caste, creed or your sister
3. Ask questions like “Do you promise you’ll never leave me?”
4. Claim to really like her but insist that you want to be “just friends” because your mother would be devastated.

Yes, it seems that the problem is graver than we expected. Many men, I say, many men have lost their precious pairs, thereby being rendered powerless in front of the firebrand Bombay girl, who is simply looking for a good time and couldn’t care a rat’s ass about your mother or your sister. She laughs at marriage and doesn’t really care about what caste you want to bring up your future children because she doesn’t intend to bear them. Not now, not on the first date. She doesn’t want to be just friends because she is not a dork. You are.

So please, if you answered yes to any of those, you’re not doing it right. Drops of Jupiter encourages you to protect your jewel purse and be a man. Show the girl a good time. And try not to make her throw up.

This special report was issued in public interest by Drops of Jupiter after speaking to several firebrand women who do not believe that kissing is “to cross the line of morality”


28 thoughts on “Suspicious Minds

  1. Hmm. I gather you’ve met one of those Mr Eligibles we’ve been discussing non-stop ever since you mentioned them. I completely sympathise with your disappointment. On my latest trip to India, I had a “best friend forever” (don’t judge, I was 8 when the vow was made) ditch me on the basis of his mom not approving of his friendship with girls. If you’re thinking this is a prime example of a no-ball situ, just wait till you hear the rest. He calls me up the day before I leave (on the sly, when mummy’s out shopping or whatever) and tells me he nursed’s nursed a crush for years and never had the balls (his words) to come clean. And I’m going, you’re telling me now because…?”Well, you’re married now.”Bah.

  2. Interested to know two things:1) Who did you meet or talk to, to confirm this suspicion?2) Who were these people who believe kissing is “to cross the line of morality”?

  3. Wendelin- that is a premium example of the ball-less critter. Not only does he know it, but he makes it a point to let us know as well.Casa- These are my single girlfriends, who are lamenting the dire shortage of brave men.Khizzy- =)Cowlick- Yes! How pissing off is that! And no, I don’t know them per se. Women I know have dated such losers.

  4. Wendelin- and the whole point of mom not approving.. I mean.. what the hell is that all about! You know what’s funny? Some of them pre-empt their mom’s disapproval. Their moms never explicit state their disapproval, its just a figment of their narrow-minded rock-filled head.

  5. Jups, I think the mom thing was a cover story, given his later confession. I bet he was too heartbroken I was getting married, or perhaps he thought I was “off-limits” wrt talking to, now that I’m married? The situation is fraught with dumbass possibilities.

  6. Clint- Yes, I know! there are guys who aren’t like that, and may God bless their frivolous souls! But these men…they are pissing me and my friends off.Wendelin- Hahaha! Well yes, sure, but can’t they not bring their moms in the picture. I could write a book on how that mom-son relationship pisses every fibre in my body.

  7. Oh gawd!Where in the F***g world do such people exist!!I have yet to meet such a man. I hear all the women complain about such morons but funny I never meet them. Really!Ask your friends to come see me. I’ll have them meet ‘men’.And I thought it was the girls who were supposed to be these types. Them I have met!

  8. oh god.and here i am in singapore hoping and PRAYING that i can meet a MAN from india (read: not a BOY,but a MAN) and there you are crushing my hopes to the ground! crushing them underfoot your blahniks! (they’re lovely btw 😉 )*dramatic sigh*back to the good ol’ drawing board.

  9. Casa- I couldn’t have found a better word myself. Chamans! hahaha! Seriously, it baffles me.Saurabh- Why the usage of asterisks on Juice? ;)Are the men you’re talking about teetotalers/nonsmokers?Cowlick-Me tooMahi- I know. All my single friends are pissed as hell. But then again, if you’re willing to date smokers/drinkers, I can tell they’re far more interesting. But then you probably know that.

  10. Naah not the teetotallers or non smokers. I dont smoke my self and thats got nothing to do with it. The guys I talk about are these mama’s boys, whimpering at the thought of a date and cornering themselves into insanity. Despicable I tell you!!On another note a smoking/drinking buffoon not maketh a ‘man’. So please, ladies – dont make that your guide rule to measure the ‘manliness’ of guys around.Cowlick : Why so? Corny you think huh? I find it so funny that there are people out there who are so scared to meet ‘virtual’ aquaintainces.

  11. I prefers non-smokers any day!Hmmm… I’ve never met anyone in reality, who I first met online. Maybe I’m chicken, maybe I will some day, maybe I find it a little weird.

  12. Nandya- Oi..exactly my point na!Vikram- Sadly…Saurabh-See? I knew it.Of course, I don’t think tis that big a deal to meet virtual acquaintances. But here, at home, its a real problem. (protective parents)Casa- I have done it a coupla times.

  13. Oh My! Darling Jups, I have to be the disgruntled bitch and protest your post! The one thing the last Bombay dude I dated had was too much balls. Eg, public man on man kissing. (Does the idea disturb you? It disturbs me!)If his ego-daringness was measured with his body parts, he would need a wheelbarrow to carry his hernia about… Fortunately I’m better than that

  14. holy jesus christ … i am a non smoker/drinker and never even once in my life asked a gal out on a date … perfect example of someone that can be termed as chaman … but honestly i am happy being CHAMAN

  15. AJ- Your ex seems to be quite the bad boy. Meowww! And your present looks like Abhishek Bachchan. No wonder the gals have no hope. The good ones are really gay!(Guys kissing is kinda cute, to me, as a spectator.)Rahul- *shakes her head* Please tell me you’re underage.Apoo- *blushes pink*

  16. u can call me underage at 28 with no possibility of growing up as am getting married on december 15th and offcourse no points for guessing its an arranged marriage …

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