They say that hell is one giant furnace with raging fires and red hot coals and you basically roast yourself medium rare to well done to charred from here to eternity.
Well they’re wrong. Hell is getting stuck in a tiny MRI machine from here to eternity. Forget eating pig’s testicles.. This is the real shit they need to put on fear factor…(God how I hate that show)
First, you get a very very warm welcome…the man is incredibly kind.. so much so that it makes you suspicious. You change into very roomy blue scrubs. You secure it with a blue linen kimono. Then you think, “Oooh so comfy.. i could get used to this..”
The man checks at least ten billion times whether you have any metal on you…He asks you whether you have implants, lenses, dentures, piercings, tatoos, metallic bones, etc etc..to the point that it starts to freak you out.. you miss one piercing and you’re convinced you might die…you wanna check and recheck but there is nothing TO check…you’re just wearing a linen pillowcase for heaven’s sake. The only way there is any metal in you is if you had heavily fortified breakfast cereal or a bowl of iron filings for breakfast.
You enter the “suite”.. You have to take off your glasses too. Great, you’re blind, handicapped and not exactly clothed.
“Would you like to listen to some music?”
“Sure” (Wow..this is nice…)
“What radio station do you prefer?”
“ummm… 98?..” (This is really a suite!)
Then you look at the tunnel with its evil sense of foreboding and you start to understand why the guy on his way to the electric chair is allowed a nice steak. *gulp*
“Is that thing scary?”
“No No… its just a little noisy.. please lie down”
( Noise? That’s it? Just a little noise? I can take noise..I’ve had a radioactive IV in me.. I can take noise.. pffft… I lived in Bombay!)
You lie down..its comfortable.. he tucks you in with a nice thermal blanket.Mmm..this is nice..
You spoke too soon.
He ties you to the bed with a HUGE magnetic belt. He gives you ear plugs to shut off the noise. Puts on giant headphones to listen to the radio with. And an alarm pump to squeeze, lest anything goes wrong. And he manouvers the the bed 5 feet above ground and slowly, obliquely into the tunnel. The evil tunnel.
While you’re on your way in, the blanket gets yanked off from the corners..and it freaks the shit out of you.. you yank it back…All’s well for now.
Halfway in..he draws you back out..and velcroes your feet together. Now, you’re really trapped.
You go in.. he talks to you through the headphones.
“Are you ok?”
“Umm yeah…for now.. how long does this take”
(WHAT!) “Umm.. can you get it done faster?” (hoping against hope)
You’re stuck in that hellhole (literally) for ten minutes. Its crazy-noisy like the production floor of a noise factory or an underground construction site. The music on the radio does not help. “This is power 98.. *sirens screaming*..” You think the sirens are coming from the machines and it freaks the shit out of you again.
“Am I doing ok?”
“Uhhh…am I doing ok?”
“Are you there?”
Shit. Breathe . Breathe. You DONT wanna die of a heart attack in a cylindrical coffin. BREATHE!
You think about the episode of Monk where he gets buried alive. You think about the Scrubs episode where that babe gets stuck because the MRI machine is broken halfway through her scan. You think of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 2. You’re trying to figure out your escape route now. The blanket, the headphones, the giant belt and the velcroed feet don’t make you Shawshank Redemption material. breathe…breathe..
A eternity and some bad radio jokes later, he responds. How much longer you ask? He says 5 minutes.
Two aweful songs and five whole minutes later, he checks on you again. “Four more minutes”
That conniving #$&$%..
He pulls you out. Its over. Arghh.. screw the hips, you’re just glad to be alive and out of that noisy vibrating tube.
Just came back from the orthopaedic this morning. The report came out clean. I am hairline-fracture free! Here’s to bravery, here’s to life! Hallelujah!
And please dahlings, be good ok? The horned one just placed a collosal order of MRI machines.