Ahhh mornings… or should I say groanwhattimeisitsonofabitch mornings..
No no, I didn’t oversleep today. But I do believe that the collective pleasantness of society could be improved if we could all make our mornings more pleasant.
I think the most mammoth obstruction in this cause, as I see it, is this grand idea of having television sets in public transport-mobile entertainment, if you will. And by grand I mean abominable.
Ten things I dislike, hate, loathe, despise, cringe at, disdain, condemn, diss, scorn and mock about mobile TV:-
1. IT’S TOO DAMN LOUD!
Loud noises are incredibly disarming in the morning. If something extra loud wakes me up, I get all combat-mode like, ready to pummel someone. Now mornings need to soft and gentle, that’s why we sleep in beds with downy pillows and quilts, so that we wake up in the midst of soft cuddly things, as opposed to sleeping in on a stone bench (no offence to the hobos) with ambient house music. No amount of sleep is enough for me. I must have been a bear in my previous life. I sleep on the bus, or at least I’d like to. But no, those tvs will make you rise and shine much against your will with extra-loud morning news. And of late, it has gotten louder. How do I know? My Ipod can’t tune it out anymore even on max volume. I am not happy about this.
2. You can’t change the channel
What could be a more horrific way to start your day than watching something you don’t like at a volume you cannot control? Some programmes are vernacular, to add to the misery. Loud vernacular programs at 7 in the morning don’t work with me. I can’t turn it off, I can’t tune it out.
One hour on the bus and I am just about homicidal.
3. A Muscle a Day
I loathe this little 5 minute bit (what’s the word for 5 minute filler type things?) they do on the news. One fitness instructor and one fitness dummy will show you some complicated workout to stay fit. Yes, yes.. it’s a noble cause- promoting the fitness of our stressed out generation..blah blah.. But get this, on most days, it’s a kickboxing workout. So one skinny girl puts on boxing gloves and looks like a complete nitwit and the other one (the instructor) has on those idiotic sponge thingies. And every day the dummy stands in different positions and does the exact same thing- kicking the sponges. Everyday, the kicks have different names. How very charming.
Two arguments here-
a. People can’t do a kickboxing workout in the bus. In fact, you can’t do any damn workout in a bus.(No kagel jokes, please)
b. Most regular people can’t find a personal instructor to hold those stupid sponges! Someone who can afford a personal instructor to teach him kickboxing is not gonna watch the TV to learn. What’s the point of showing this workout on TV anyway? I do think a good alternative would be to “roundhouse kick” the frikkin TV. Assholes.
On a side note, there’s gotta be a way to stop people from inventing more and more workouts. Kickboxing is great, I’m sure it helps you lose weight and what not but so does laundry. So boo-ya. At first I didn’t know what spinning was, yuppie girls are always going to their “spinning classes”. Turns out, spinning is just cycling on a exercycle at low resistance. What the? Here I was picturing ballerinas spinning the fuck out of their heads. IT IS CYCLING YOU MORONS! WHO, AFTER THE AGE OF 4, NEEDS A CLASS TO LEARN CYCLING?
4. Movie Review
Some imbecile talks about the latest movies, gives her no-cents-worth and assigns 1-5 boxes of popcorn instead of stars. I don’t terribly mind this, but she has no sense of humor and seems to take bad films very personally. Lighten up! MI-3 was meant to be a blockbuster, so boo-fuckin-hoo that it didn’t make much sense. It had two HOOOOT men. Geez. The MIs were and always will be about Tom Cruise and not about winning Oscars.
Okay this segment isn’t all bad. They basically find something running currently like a musical, or routine or a concert and interview the artists behind it. Very informative to the artsy-fartsies like me. But the interviews are so goddamn dumb. And so goddamn long. I’m sure even the artists don’t know that much about their work to go on lecturing the public for a good one hour. Disney on ice is an ice-skating show with disney characters… the myth is broken. Get an interview with Coldplay, then we’ll talk.
6. Asian Dailies
They have a segment that reads out the headlines from big Asian dailies. What is the point of this? The news was just read out in painstaking detail 3 seconds ago. If it was big news, chances are it got published on newspapers. What is the point?!
7. American Stock update
Nothing bad here, except that this stuffy fat Brit guy sitting in Times Square gives you the lowdown on American stocks. I just find it immensely ironic. Sue me.
People don’t cook on the bus. And even if they did, I doubt they’d need elaborate instructions on how to make smoothies and toast.
9. It’s on all the time!
Small detail here: Sometimes there is a show about eating grotesque things like live worms, right around dinner time. How pleasant.
10. How about some peace and quiet? Don’t we have enough traffic, noise and stress as it is?
I need some sanity while thinking up the next item on the list of things I hate.