Fix you

First things first, it wasn’t as bad a day as I’d have thought it to be. It was good.
Food.check
Drinks.check
Friends.check
Presents.check
Surprises.check

As I went to bed, it hit me. I am 24 now. T.w.e.n.t.y.f.o.u.r. There is so much, simply so much I haven’t done, haven’t achieved, haven’t experienced. I am a nothingnobodynowhere.

But birthdays are just days that come once a year. So let’s not get too hung up on them. There are plenty of miserable things to ruin an ephemeral high and give you a semi-permanent hangover.

Like why the ones we love and care about are always the first to hurt us.
And how they seem to be so adept at doing a darned good job of it.
Or how they use the things you say against you when you’ve just begun to trust them.
Or when they offend your fibre right after you just forgave them for the last time they did that.
Like why they give you advice when they would do exactly the opposite.

And why they cease to respect you as an individual.

I guess the only solace you can really have is that somewhere out there is some poor soul, just like you being taken for granted every once in while, being betrayed every other day, being tormented for mistakes she made in the past. And that soul is also doing everything she can in her power to reign in her fears, biting her lip everytime someone says or does something malicious and vile, feeling nauseous with regret, and all the while fighting.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bone
And I will try to fix you.

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10 thoughts on “Fix you

  1. happy birthday darling 🙂 you share it with my mom :Pand i suggest you do not think about people. atleast not for now. they did what they had to do. you do what you have to do. chin up and fly. got it?

  2. Happy birthday. And you should be happy. You’ve gone 24 years without destorying the world or formulating and starting plans to take it over. hanibal didn’t even manage that, and hitler only barely got past that.As for whats happened, I’ve got No idea. But things’ll be alright. They always are. Just gotta remember there are awesome things out there, and that you’re awesome. Think like Bill and Ted. Totally Awesome.Be awesome To each other.

  3. Sayesha- Thanks!!Harjee- Wish your mom for me.. Being a leo in itself makes a person kickass ;)Kris- That’s quite a ponderworthy-point there, not being a bad person itself is reason enough to feel good. Hmmm..Yes, Ill try and be more awesome. One question though, I have no clue who Bill and Ted are.. is it sitcom reference? Sorry for being stumped..

  4. YOU DON”T KNOW BILL AND TED? OH MY LORD.In 1989, A film, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure was released, staring some crappy actor and Keanue Reeves. It was his first, and probably best film. Basically a movie of two highschool idiots who end up traveling through time to pass a history paper, because in the future they’ll start a band that leads the world to global peace and harmony. Sounds crap? Yeah it is. But its a good crap. So awesomely bad that you can’t help but love it.http://www.billandted.org/ might be a good place to start. Buy or pirate the movie somewhere. Its hilarious.As for not feeling bad, what you come to realise is that no one can make you feel anything. Someone doing something horrid, doesn’t make you feel bad. You make you feel bad, because your empathise or because you hate or any other emotion. How you feel, is an interpretation of your relationship to what is happening to you now. If a girlfriend breaks up with me, I’ll feel crappy, but that is because I, myself, no one else, feels worse for not having one. There have been times where i’v felt great to be dumped, because I’ve seen the situation as the girl growing in her own emotional sense and has come to realise that we aren’t right. Thats fantastic progress, and is a good reason to be happy.Its a bit weird to get your head around, but it works out in the end anyways. Always does :)As for the accident, that was ages ago, when i was 13. Hit by a bus and stopped breathing for 2 minutes. Don’t worry, I get hit by cars at least once a month. I ate alot of calcium as a kid, which helps now. I’m sturdy.Just remember to be You Jups, And to have fun doing it.

  5. Kris- I am definitely seeing this movie then, it sounds like one of those fun pointless movies.. I like Dude Where’s my car..it’s awesomely bad and I bet Ill like Bill and Ted too!Btw, the stuff you said.. I can’t believe you’re just 18.. 🙂 I’ll try to believe more often…And you had an NDE? that is unreal! that shit is totally bananas man!

  6. Well, it was a bit closer to a Real death experience. They just managed to resusitate me. 2 minutes without oxygen to the brain maaaaaaaaaay explain the oddity that supposedly is me. But Near death experiences happen often enough when your clumsy. Cars, trains, Using the microwave EMPTY as a Timer for your eggs. Then again, they’re usually fun, and it keeps life interesting.And yes, i’m 18. Although i feel much more like 30 or 40. I’ve had enough stuff happen to me, been through enough emotional rollercoasters and dealt with everything from dickheads to drugs to disease. I’m ready for retirement and kids. Settle, down, start a family.Shame no one else my age is ready for that. Stupid society.

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