First things first, it wasn’t as bad a day as I’d have thought it to be. It was good.
As I went to bed, it hit me. I am 24 now. T.w.e.n.t.y.f.o.u.r. There is so much, simply so much I haven’t done, haven’t achieved, haven’t experienced. I am a nothingnobodynowhere.
But birthdays are just days that come once a year. So let’s not get too hung up on them. There are plenty of miserable things to ruin an ephemeral high and give you a semi-permanent hangover.
Like why the ones we love and care about are always the first to hurt us.
And how they seem to be so adept at doing a darned good job of it.
Or how they use the things you say against you when you’ve just begun to trust them.
Or when they offend your fibre right after you just forgave them for the last time they did that.
Like why they give you advice when they would do exactly the opposite.
And why they cease to respect you as an individual.
I guess the only solace you can really have is that somewhere out there is some poor soul, just like you being taken for granted every once in while, being betrayed every other day, being tormented for mistakes she made in the past. And that soul is also doing everything she can in her power to reign in her fears, biting her lip everytime someone says or does something malicious and vile, feeling nauseous with regret, and all the while fighting.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bone
And I will try to fix you.