I am craving something…something sweet and chocolatey. The house and the fridge are filled with savories, bagels, cream cheese and curries, pastas, sauces and desiccated coconut and even ice cream. But I need something lush, moist and terrribly chocolatey. Somebody please, get me a flourless chocolate cake, or a tub of chocolate mousse stat!
God help me, my mind is not in my work. My work does not require my mind, but that’s a different issue altogether. Work has been grinding my proverbial gears a bit too much of late. For one, I am sick and not taking my sick leaves (because I have none left and a certain asshole of a cab-driver is to blame for that).
For two, (and for those of you keeping track), other people keep “falling sick”. Cutiepie-san fell sick yesterday- so I did two shifts in a day. Today, another ditwitted dude fell sick and called me (when I was sound asleep) and I had to rush to work. Two shifts today as well. And yes another one on friday. I need sleep, a vacation, some cash and a boytoy I can coerce into giving free massages, and not neccessarily in that order.
Certain things have sanctity. Sher Khan likes sanctity. You may think Sher Khan has intimacy issues, but it’s really a question of wanting your own space. Sleep is a holy thing, one has the right and the prerogative to sleep as much as one wants, as deep as one wants. Sher Khan enjoys sleep. So, Sher Khan hates mornings.
So imagine the gravitas of my fury and my fear when I find this aweful, ugly, dirty, black lizard in my bathroom. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS!!!
It’s not the first time, but it infuriates me! I have a busy schedule, a permanent defect that causes me to wake up late every morning and another permanenet defect whereby it takes me twenty minutes to decide what to wear to work. A lizard in the bathroom is UNFORESEEN DELAY!!!
IT INFURIATES ME!!!!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *throws a pot through the wall*
Whew. glad to get out of my system.
For the uninitiated, I am terrified of lizards. And frogs. If I look at a frog for more than ten seconds, I get haunting nightmares where I am cornered by big ugly frogs and toads. Literally cornered. One night, when I was little, I had that nightmare, and meanwhile back in real life, my brother’s hand whacked my back. I was awake for the rest of the night, lying frozen because I was convinced that his hand was in fact, a giant frog. I will never forget.
My lizard experience is ten gazillion to the power of n times more terrifying. It was a very balmy and boring afternoon. Hundreds of us were queued up outside the university to submit our engineering admission forms. It was going to be a looooong wait. And I didn’t even have to be there, I had already decided to go to Singapore. But I was. I was quite cheerful actually, that day, because I had worn a white blouse, and a full-length maroon skirt and plum cork wedges; and for the first time ever, KC had told me I was pretty. I was crowning glory that afternoon. [Getting a compliment from KC is like seeing the woogawaalaschmu comet- it doesn’t happen in your lifetime]
(to the girls near me) “This queueing business is damn boring. Why can’t something exciting happen?”
I swear, these were the exact words I uttered. The very next nanosecond…
A GODDAMNED HUGE MONITOR FELL ON MY HEAD..
It was roughly three feet long, bottle green in colour, leathery and weighed a fuckin ton. So really, an overgrowned, heavier, longer, scarier, scalier lizard fell from the skies and on my head.
What are the odds? Very realistically, what are the odds of a girl with acute lizard-phobia showing up at a university admissions queue where she has no business whatsoever complaining about the general boring-ness of the situation and then having one mother of a lizard fall on her head? About the same as that of seeing the Woogawaalaschmu comet, wouldn’t you agree?
I have had the sense knocked out of my brain exactly three times in my life. Once, I rammed headfirst into a playground iron pole. I lost my memory for about 3 seconds. The latest was getting rammed down by a cab. And in between the age of 9 and 24… this motherfucker of a lizard scared my soul out of my body and sent it to hell and back.
And then it slithered and slipped through my body, on my feet, and then scuttered away. The girls near me shrieked in the interim. I was shivering, for the next hour. I have never had herpes, but I doubt it’d make you feel as dirty as I felt that minute.
Then of course, there was the very-obvious-and-hardly-clever joke about how I had only just complained about the boring-ness of the situation. That’s the thing about friends- they’re always there to point and laugh.
Anyway, long story short- I hate lizards and they have developed an ingenius way of scaring the crap out of me and making me late for work.
I may root for animal welfare but you lizards, I’m onto you. Retarded bags of scales with elevated ick-factor-that’s all you are! You hear me? elevated ick-factor!!!
p.s. There is no woogawaalaschmu comet. Comic relief, please co-operate.