tomorrow never dies

Today:

I am craving something…something sweet and chocolatey. The house and the fridge are filled with savories, bagels, cream cheese and curries, pastas, sauces and desiccated coconut and even ice cream. But I need something lush, moist and terrribly chocolatey. Somebody please, get me a flourless chocolate cake, or a tub of chocolate mousse stat!

God help me, my mind is not in my work. My work does not require my mind, but that’s a different issue altogether. Work has been grinding my proverbial gears a bit too much of late. For one, I am sick and not taking my sick leaves (because I have none left and a certain asshole of a cab-driver is to blame for that).
For two, (and for those of you keeping track), other people keep “falling sick”. Cutiepie-san fell sick yesterday- so I did two shifts in a day. Today, another ditwitted dude fell sick and called me (when I was sound asleep) and I had to rush to work. Two shifts today as well. And yes another one on friday. I need sleep, a vacation, some cash and a boytoy I can coerce into giving free massages, and not neccessarily in that order.

Yesterday:

Certain things have sanctity. Sher Khan likes sanctity. You may think Sher Khan has intimacy issues, but it’s really a question of wanting your own space. Sleep is a holy thing, one has the right and the prerogative to sleep as much as one wants, as deep as one wants. Sher Khan enjoys sleep. So, Sher Khan hates mornings.

So imagine the gravitas of my fury and my fear when I find this aweful, ugly, dirty, black lizard in my bathroom. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS!!!
It’s not the first time, but it infuriates me! I have a busy schedule, a permanent defect that causes me to wake up late every morning and another permanenet defect whereby it takes me twenty minutes to decide what to wear to work. A lizard in the bathroom is UNFORESEEN DELAY!!!
IT INFURIATES ME!!!!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *throws a pot through the wall*
Whew. glad to get out of my system.

For the uninitiated, I am terrified of lizards. And frogs. If I look at a frog for more than ten seconds, I get haunting nightmares where I am cornered by big ugly frogs and toads. Literally cornered. One night, when I was little, I had that nightmare, and meanwhile back in real life, my brother’s hand whacked my back. I was awake for the rest of the night, lying frozen because I was convinced that his hand was in fact, a giant frog. I will never forget.

My lizard experience is ten gazillion to the power of n times more terrifying. It was a very balmy and boring afternoon. Hundreds of us were queued up outside the university to submit our engineering admission forms. It was going to be a looooong wait. And I didn’t even have to be there, I had already decided to go to Singapore. But I was. I was quite cheerful actually, that day, because I had worn a white blouse, and a full-length maroon skirt and plum cork wedges; and for the first time ever, KC had told me I was pretty. I was crowning glory that afternoon. [Getting a compliment from KC is like seeing the woogawaalaschmu comet- it doesn’t happen in your lifetime]

(to the girls near me) “This queueing business is damn boring. Why can’t something exciting happen?”
I swear, these were the exact words I uttered. The very next nanosecond…
*rustle rustle*
CRASH!
A GODDAMNED HUGE MONITOR FELL ON MY HEAD..

It was roughly three feet long, bottle green in colour, leathery and weighed a fuckin ton. So really, an overgrowned, heavier, longer, scarier, scalier lizard fell from the skies and on my head.

What are the odds? Very realistically, what are the odds of a girl with acute lizard-phobia showing up at a university admissions queue where she has no business whatsoever complaining about the general boring-ness of the situation and then having one mother of a lizard fall on her head? About the same as that of seeing the Woogawaalaschmu comet, wouldn’t you agree?

I have had the sense knocked out of my brain exactly three times in my life. Once, I rammed headfirst into a playground iron pole. I lost my memory for about 3 seconds. The latest was getting rammed down by a cab. And in between the age of 9 and 24… this motherfucker of a lizard scared my soul out of my body and sent it to hell and back.

And then it slithered and slipped through my body, on my feet, and then scuttered away. The girls near me shrieked in the interim. I was shivering, for the next hour. I have never had herpes, but I doubt it’d make you feel as dirty as I felt that minute.

Then of course, there was the very-obvious-and-hardly-clever joke about how I had only just complained about the boring-ness of the situation. That’s the thing about friends- they’re always there to point and laugh.

Anyway, long story short- I hate lizards and they have developed an ingenius way of scaring the crap out of me and making me late for work.

I may root for animal welfare but you lizards, I’m onto you. Retarded bags of scales with elevated ick-factor-that’s all you are! You hear me? elevated ick-factor!!!

p.s. There is no woogawaalaschmu comet. Comic relief, please co-operate.

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14 thoughts on “tomorrow never dies

  1. I was reminded of the day and I must admit tht it felt good to relive tht day of course not the lizard part but the part before that when u were discussing about the dress and how a particular individual complimented u on your dress.I can still remember the way u looked that day. keep writing such stuff.KC

  2. Well, the chances of a lizzard falling on the head of a girl with lizzard-phobia (or tiktikiphobia) is huge. I mean, the theory of universal dramatics, that makes you *just* miss the bus that you need to catch, is the same thing. God has a good sense of Drama, why else did we end up getting these archetypes in our heads of how acting should be? People don’t move or talk anything like actors do. So, God plays the game, and has fun causing shit. I mean, why Waste a perfectly good falling lizzard on someone who’s just going to just laugh about it. Why make someone laugh when you can MENTALLY SCAR THEM FOREVER.Oh, and yes, I am also craving a massage. I know alot of massage, chiroprachty and kinesology, and as wonderful as that is, you can’t do it to yourself. You need a best friend to teach, so they have a new handy talent, and can reset your back weekly :PAnd you break my heart Jups. as soon as you mentioned the woogawaalaschmu comet I googled it, and got squat. Such a cool name. Guess its mine now, for when I find a comet.

  3. Lizards, toads & frogs are my best friends. Spiders, centipedes & snakes don’t phase me. Bring a roach close enough to me & I’ll squeal like a little girl!

  4. Zip- keekeekee, not nice to laugh at the distress of others, missy! ;)KC- don’t make me melt now..Don’t!!And fyi, I still have that skirt =)..I’m just saying..Kris- That was the most hilarious advocacy of God’s general basass-ness.. Since I can still feel the physical impact of that ugly beast on my head…*gulp*, I’d say God is definitely go(o)d at being bad. Either that, or the damn monitor was going out on a limb and picked me to be his airbag.And I have loads of silly names up my sleeve, you find a solar sytem then we’ll go medieval naming them all!Casa- I did…you sleep like a log!! :PAJ- Ah, we should live together hon… you can swat out the lizards and Ill thwack the roaches..together, we’ll be rid of our ghosts forevah!! Sayesha- Thanks! You know what they say, it’s healthy to start your mornings with JUICE!

  5. I hate lizards. I have feared those disgusting scaly, icky, slimy creatures ever since two yeah not one but two of them fell on my head while i was blissfully sitting on the sofa. I never sat on that sofa. Not till they were changed three years later. Lizards love me, they jump from their perches on the walls to welcome me on the floor. Ewwwww. Hillarious post btw.

  6. ROTFFLMAO!! I’m laughing so hard right now I think I’m having a heart attack! You know, secretly I keep hoping you’re in a bad mood. It truly brings out the best in you.ps: no, i’m not getting sweet on you.. I just lurve your sarcasm.

  7. Well, Why even bother naming solar systems? There are plenty of other things to name. Currently in Australia, we have 200 different types of spiders which are still un-named. apparently You can name one, for some silly amount of money. But even then, having a collection of stars named after the teletubies, surely i deserve a plave amoung the heavans. A sun somewhere, burning away, is yearning away to be Krister, The Swamp Sun.And as for my reptile story, We used to have a family computer in our garage, and one day while i was on Msn, chatting away being a little 13 year old boy who should be doing home work, had a snake (just a diamond python, nothing poisonous) slither around my legs and move onwards. I was freaked as hell.

  8. Cowlick – ahahhahaa, lucky for you, my employer makes ample sure that bad moods are in abundance ;)Kris- My god..a snake!!! Okay I’ve seen snakes up close, somehow I still find lizards scarier..snakes have more Coolness Quotient ya know?And about my being sad.. golly.. I do hope I am never am sad enough to write about the meaning of life.. although somewhere in that there is a compliment that I am smiling about right now…

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