Introspection schmintrospection, here’s some extrospection (word#576 I’m kicking it!) after much deliberation and careful study…

Dear desi boy in phoren country,

Take a deep Ready? here goes…

1. Please stop saying “dude”, “duuuude” and “duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude”. Also please don’t start conversations with “How are the chicks in South America/Iceland/Antarctica man? Are you getting some action?”.

2. Please stop being vernacular. It’s not cute. You’ve left your village now. Welcome to the new world! While we’re on the subject of being provincial, let me also implore you to stop taking it upon yourself to “educate” every foreigner about your great country. It is unnecessary and utterly boring. So please think twice before quipping “Actually, in India we do it this way only…”

3. Women are actually the same species as you. Just like you, they eat, sleep, go to work, drink, smoke, masturbate and have sex. We would love for you to treat us with dignity and respect. The Goddesses are in the temple, we’re human just like you. Who would have thought?

4.a. Food outside of India can taste great actually. Everyone on Planet Earth did not grow up on your mother’s cooking. At least try to savour something different. And it’s not just about the food. Quit bitching about the country you’re in- it makes you look pathetic. So domestic help costs ten times more than it would in India; what’s the problem? You’re not being paid in INR. So for the love of all that’s holy, shut up, call a maid and try some moussakka- in that order.

4.b. Please stop getting your pants and teeth repaired in India just because it’s cheaper. If you can’t do that, please stop admonishing those who commit the shocking offence of actually getting their clothes altered in the country they reside in. That like, doesn’t make sense at all, right?

5. Chauvinism does not make you more lustworthy. Quite the opposite, actually. You can drop the alpha-male act.”Congratulations! Who did you sleep with to get that grade/promotion/popcorn? hahahahahahha just kidding!” (Typical remark from Agent Dipshit)
I don’t have a sexual advantage, I never did. Come to think of it, I never once saw a form that asked for my cup size! Hmmm, I wonder how they knew.

6. Stop lecturing (me) on the virtuous ‘Great Indian Value System’. It really means diddly-hoo to me. If your only explanation for the way things are done is “But your mother did it, and her mother did it and her mother did it *times infinity*”, then I have better things to listen to. Like my Ipod because it doesn’t tell me what saree to wear.
In other words, stop telling me to live with practices I disagree with, tell me to fight them so that my kid knows her mother didn’t do it. (Not that I’m going to have a kid, it’s a metaphor)

7. Oh and India is not the only place to take a vacation in. I know how much you miss being coddled by mommy but give it a rest man. It was all cool when you were like 2 years old maybe? I think maybe it’s time to stop the breast-feeding.

8. You left the country for selfish reasons. Admit that. No amount of patriotic talk will you make any less of a selfish opportunist. No reruns of Rang de Basanti will turn you, the gutless conformist, into a rebel. Are we clear on this? Because I am quite sick of listening to you lecture me nine to ninety of the great boundless potential of the motherland. “India is clearly the place to be…so much much potential.. waah waah waah” Yes clearly, I need to move back to India so I don’t have tolerate your self-righteous crap.

9. Open your mind to the possibility of change. Change is not supposed to be superficial- it’s not a topical tincture, it’s an IV. You want to pay for strippers because hey it’s cool! You also want the traditional Indian bride to cook hot meals when you come back home, because hey you’re Indian! You will betray your unsuspecting girlfriend (Indian or Jamaican or Cuban, doesn’t matter) because hey mommy says you can only marry a nice homely girl born and raised in India!
It’s not the kind of delightful fusion you see in ballet or gourmet. It’s revolting, self-serving and dishonest to the core. Being unorthodox and being despicable are completely different things. Pick a side.

I’m done for now. And I didn’t even mention sexual abuse. A lot of this applies to desi women in phoren lands too. You know, the holy mothers of the land who have descended upon this planet to refine unholy, uncultured bitches like me?
“Unlike you Jups, I have culture in me!” ( while I have what? satan music and alcohol?)
“Unlike you Jups, I am actually pure” (which always makes me wonder what the litmus test for human purity is…)
“Indian women don’t drink and swear Jups, who will ever want to marry you?”

Whoa, really now? When I last checked, the definition of Indian culture did not include taking your guy friends to strip clubs or making out with foster brothers. But what do I know? I’ve been out of India so long, they tell me India has changed a lot since I left. Clearly, wearing a ‘bindi’ absolves you of all sins.

But for more on that, here’s Punkster’s account of desi girls and their insuffrable eccentricities.

P.S. Based on real events, accidents, conversations, condemnations, prudes and perverts. Conclusive evidence can be found in most bars, clubs, libraries and offices.


27 thoughts on “Respect

  1. “Making out with your foster brothers”..Haha! I love that part. Reminded me of an old saying in university which was something along the lines of – the way to a girl’s heart is through the rakhi. :)Oh well!

  2. You missed out this utterly irritating, but oft repeated trait: everyone desi guy claims he is the exception to all that is bad about desi guys. He shouldnt be waved at, he shouldnt be lynched in public. Bah.

  3. hi jupiter!came here via punkster’s blog. who are these people you’ll are hnaging out with!?? they sound utterly bizzare and like i was telling megha, its hard to come across such weirdos even in india!good luck finding normal desis! and screw the psychos. you guys have fun anyway!!

  4. You, madame, are pretty phenomenal by virtue of that (delightfully) iconoclastic and (soberingly) cynical attitude which is unfortunately absent in *most* Indian women. and men too, in an almost equal measure.As much as I admire the above however, your post comes across as a misplaced and misdirected diatribe which reflects opinions that are true only to an extent.I wouldn’t blame individuals for their social outlook, their (mostly) repressed sexuality, their incredibly pathetic attempts to appear “cool” (by imitating accents and piling on loads of pathetic slang into everyday conversation), their mindless conformity or lack of initiative. I would blame desi society in general for the amount of hypocrisy and double standards it maintains with the tacit understanding of everyone involved.I’ve been, at various times, (unfairly?) billed one or more of arrogant, irreverent, iconoclastic and other such terms. But that has been due to my utter and complete disdain of conforming to things I don’t believe in. I didn’t become that way by shutting my brain off and accepting things on a platter – which I might add, I’ve seen a lot of people do blindly. Maybe I should write my own views to complement you and Punkster. (Whose blog, btw, referred me to yours)The self righteous crap which you seem to have been on the receiving end of – wasn’t because that person believes in it. Its that he has nothing else he can look towards and believe in. or wants to. Your assumption that this is true of Indian men alone, is untrue as well. And you know what the sad part is? This is NOT going to change no matter how much you educate the people in question. These are feelings ingrained into society, and its going to need generations of reforms and a major liberalization of society to make a dent in them.Of course, I’m mostly unhappy that I don’t get to meet more Indians who think like this, in real life. Pity.

  5. Sriram- I’m so tired of every guy claiming that he is the grand antidote to everything that is wrong in the world. In my world, you get spanked for being bad- you don’t get candy for being good. Because being good is expected.Deepak- How distasteful!Casablanca- Oh but you’ve clearly been meeting the wrong men. Maybe you should consider moving. Like to another planet perhaps.That girl in pink- I’ve come across several similar weirdos in India too- weirdos of both sexes.TAP- Basically,you agree that, whatever the underlying cause for underdeveloped brainpower,such idiots exist (and in good numbers); so why is it a misplaced and misdirected diatribe?Secondly, read the last bit, I have cleared bitched about desi women too.Thirdly, you say you’re different and you agree with casa which means you want to be lynched? Casa are you reading this?Fourthly, yes I agree with you, I am totally awesome, thank you 🙂

  6. Whoa whoa!Casablanca”You missed out this utterly irritating, but oft repeated trait: everyone desi guy claims he is the exception to all that is bad about desi guys. He shouldnt be waved at, he shouldnt be lynched in public.”- Not that I care, but sure. I’m always in for some good old-fashioned lynching. And on that topic, how about a good witch hunt as well? Fun stuff, eh?Jupe, Fair enough and I do agree with that. But you could have atleast acknowledged the fact that exceptions exist, no? The folks here like TAP and Casablanca seem to throw a blanket assumption over all Indians and they really seem to miss the inherent hypocrisy of it all. At the rate of hijacking your comment space, let me try and see if I can get them to see the right picture..It isn’t about the accent, the social outlook or the need to be “cool” that brings about this nonsense. Anyone who accepts things purely because of the need to be a “conformist” is plain dumb and citing THAT as a reason for such behavior simply shows that you haven’t met the majority of the indians in foreign lands.”The self righteous crap which you seem to have been on the receiving end of – wasn’t because that person believes in it. Its that he has nothing else he can look towards and believe in. or wants to” – Being one, I can safely say that it isn’t Jupe that is wrong, but rather, you. As for your argument about society, I’m sure you would agree that a society IS made up of INDIVIDUALS. We aren’t sheep or cattle, mind you. Hope that explains where all of this comes from. If not, hey, atleast I tried.(Jupe, Can I get my candy now? pleeeeeease?) 😀

  7. Is it me? Or did “that armchair philosopher” come riding in a high-horse? You agree with casablanca and yet, in your comment, you clearly imply you are an exception. Word!Bullshit clean-up on aisle 5. Can we have a lynch-mob please?

  8. misplaced and misdirected – because the chances of the people in question reading this is minimal. people who spend more than a wee bit of their time daily reading and commenting on blogs are NOT likely to be your targets who might read this and get a clue 🙂 *mostly*. hehe, this should be out on a pamphlet for people to pick up from outside the library or something.about desi women – yes, i did read about that bit. i thus implied individuals, and took a couple of points out for the agreeing with casa – most people i know would consider me different. its thus reasonable to assume I would too. but I have good reason to believe so, based on some *negative experiences* of being a non-conformist. I never said it was a *positive* thing to be so. when i agree with casa, i mean that a lot of people just assume they’re different “because”. period. that its a good thing to be, and that they’re doing society a favor by being so. they’ve done nothing to really back that up, and they have no idea that its not always a rosy picture. being iconoclastic in India, atleast. thats why i say that a majority of them BS about it. make sense yet?@sriram – before you start to noose up the hemp on the nearest tree.. notice the gun holsters on my belt. i can use em 😉 as for you showing us “the right picture” – do you really think that the one you visualize is the right one _for sure_? is there even a right picture? as for having met a “majority of indians in foreign lands” – again, i repeat there are exceptions. maybe you’re one yourself. i won’t say i’ve met thousands of people around the world, but i HAVE met a decent representation of desis in a number of places. When i talk about accents et al, i don’t mean it _that_ literally – that was just an instance of what i was trying to get at. a lot of people after moving to phoren lands do start maintaining double standards – they’re going to hanker for a girlfriend, preferably a hot blonde for good measure, but when it comes to dealing with indian women, their sense of things (ethics?) are totally different. this is based on observation of a number of people, not all. how can you have not noticed certain people act ing SO much more differently around phoren-ers when compared to desis?Being one, I can safely say that it isn’t Jupe that is wrong, but rather, you. – eh? what? What “one” are you? the one spewing the S.R. crap or the one at the receiving end? how does that make me wrong? (i’m confused here)society IS made up of individuals, but its something much more holistic than that. just because a few people act and think differently – they’re still a minority. I never alluded to the fact that we’re cattle – no one drives us but our own mindsets. but its a *collective* mindset. best i can liken this to is a boat about to go over a waterfall – unless EVERYONE has the same idea and rowing counter-current, the boat WILL go over anyway no matter how hard 3 people row if the others dont give a damn.. or are wearing ear muffs and blinkers to for your second statement – i answered it in the beginning of this comment.and Season’s greetings to all of you 🙂 sorry for further hijacking comment space [sic], but isn’t that what this is supposed to be for anyway?– T.A.P

  9. “as for you showing us “the right picture” – do you really think that the one you visualize is the right one _for sure_? is there even a right picture?”If you want to play the “relativity” game, I’m game, but that ain’t what it is about. YOU said YOU agree with casablanca, whose comment was quite clearly aimed at people who claimed that they are exceptions. And yet, you claim you are an exception. Talk about B.S, no, your explanation made NO sense. If you think people choose to be an exception just “because”, you my friend live in a close-knit circle and you refuse to see past that group of people you know. That. is. all.

  10. TAP, dude, shut up. Jups’s rants are endlessly entertaining, and us fabulous femmes who don’t really *learn* much from it still love knowing other people come up against the same things we do. Every goddamn day. Jups, I know I said “dude”, but god help me, I love the word in all its resplendent uncoolness and would probably have it engraved on my gravestone, were I to have one. Just saying it the right way cuts through any amount of bullshit. As always, love the rant.

  11. You said it, sister!Looks like someone left a blog-post on your comment space! Didn’t read it because my eyes are flowing with tears of happiness on reading your post! oh hell, all right, no tears, but this is awesome, and God, I even know the women the punkster wrote about. The subjects of the two posts are so perfect for each other! Can we please round them up and send them someplace where they can’t bother, dare I say the word without getting killed, the normal people? I am surrounded by these nut-jobs and it is so frikkin hard to deal with them every day of my life. So, thanks for saying it out loud. It’s good to know others deal with it too.-mockingbird

  12. Too much has been said (and I haven’t read beyond Casa’s comment) but I will say this – and this goes for desi in India, desi in foreign land, non-desi in India, and non-desi in foreign land females – “If men are chivalrous, they suspect them. If they are not, they bitch about lack of mannerism & etiquettes.”It is a two sided sword.

  13. Oh, urbanpro, men just don’t get the fine art of consideration devoid of chauvinism, which is the essense of true chivalry. Too often they either let the door slam in your face or reach for it too late when the lady could open it with half the effort, just to make a big show of being chivalrous. Ugh.

  14. **”Unlike you Jups, I am actually pure” (which always makes me wonder what the litmus test for human purity is…)In my not so humble opinion a whole lot of blood on the sheets on the wedding night 😛

  15. Naveen- Contradiction alert. You said I was too lazy to go out find guys and now that I have, you’re not happy with my observations? tut tut.Sriram- Fair enough, ‘ask and you shall receive’ is something i live by too ;)TAP- Come on, I’m trying to save the world with my blog posts, in any case I don’t even get read a lot.Chances of the desi nutjobs reading this and actually absorbing anything are below zero anyway.In any case, I completely understand what you’re trying to say. Herd mentality is the only mentality in India, the way I see it and I always wonder what the antidote to that is.Wendelin- Ah babe, don’t sweat it.. dude’s not terrible but “Duuudeee, are you getting laid in LA? Mannn I heard the chicks there are awesome mannnn!” is uncool. ;)Ideasmith- It’s a pandemic. I’m looking for greener pastures :(Mockingbird- Thanks babe, rounding them off is a great idea. The clueless sathi savithris are a perfect match for the no-good hypocritical indian man! I so want them out of my face.Urbanpro- What is a two-sided sword? I’m not even talking about chivalry?Wendelin- that was beautifully put! It’s amazing how they have forgotten to be courteous simply under the pretext that the feminists want equality!La vida loca- I hope you’re kidding, because otherwise you are quite clueless…

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