Introspection schmintrospection, here’s some extrospection (word#576 I’m kicking it!) after much deliberation and careful study…
Dear desi boy in phoren country,
Take a deep breath.in.out. Ready? here goes…
1. Please stop saying “dude”, “duuuude” and “duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude”. Also please don’t start conversations with “How are the chicks in South America/Iceland/Antarctica man? Are you getting some action?”.
2. Please stop being vernacular. It’s not cute. You’ve left your village now. Welcome to the new world! While we’re on the subject of being provincial, let me also implore you to stop taking it upon yourself to “educate” every foreigner about your great country. It is unnecessary and utterly boring. So please think twice before quipping “Actually, in India we do it this way only…”
3. Women are actually the same species as you. Just like you, they eat, sleep, go to work, drink, smoke, masturbate and have sex. We would love for you to treat us with dignity and respect. The Goddesses are in the temple, we’re human just like you. Who would have thought?
4.a. Food outside of India can taste great actually. Everyone on Planet Earth did not grow up on your mother’s cooking. At least try to savour something different. And it’s not just about the food. Quit bitching about the country you’re in- it makes you look pathetic. So domestic help costs ten times more than it would in India; what’s the problem? You’re not being paid in INR. So for the love of all that’s holy, shut up, call a maid and try some moussakka- in that order.
4.b. Please stop getting your pants and teeth repaired in India just because it’s cheaper. If you can’t do that, please stop admonishing those who commit the shocking offence of actually getting their clothes altered in the country they reside in. That like, doesn’t make sense at all, right?
5. Chauvinism does not make you more lustworthy. Quite the opposite, actually. You can drop the alpha-male act.”Congratulations! Who did you sleep with to get that grade/promotion/popcorn? hahahahahahha just kidding!” (Typical remark from Agent Dipshit)
I don’t have a sexual advantage, I never did. Come to think of it, I never once saw a form that asked for my cup size! Hmmm, I wonder how they knew.
6. Stop lecturing (me) on the virtuous ‘Great Indian Value System’. It really means diddly-hoo to me. If your only explanation for the way things are done is “But your mother did it, and her mother did it and her mother did it *times infinity*”, then I have better things to listen to. Like my Ipod because it doesn’t tell me what saree to wear.
In other words, stop telling me to live with practices I disagree with, tell me to fight them so that my kid knows her mother didn’t do it. (Not that I’m going to have a kid, it’s a metaphor)
7. Oh and India is not the only place to take a vacation in. I know how much you miss being coddled by mommy but give it a rest man. It was all cool when you were like 2 years old maybe? I think maybe it’s time to stop the breast-feeding.
8. You left the country for selfish reasons. Admit that. No amount of patriotic talk will you make any less of a selfish opportunist. No reruns of Rang de Basanti will turn you, the gutless conformist, into a rebel. Are we clear on this? Because I am quite sick of listening to you lecture me nine to ninety of the great boundless potential of the motherland. “India is clearly the place to be…so much development..so much potential.. waah waah waah” Yes clearly, I need to move back to India so I don’t have tolerate your self-righteous crap.
9. Open your mind to the possibility of change. Change is not supposed to be superficial- it’s not a topical tincture, it’s an IV. You want to pay for strippers because hey it’s cool! You also want the traditional Indian bride to cook hot meals when you come back home, because hey you’re Indian! You will betray your unsuspecting girlfriend (Indian or Jamaican or Cuban, doesn’t matter) because hey mommy says you can only marry a nice homely girl born and raised in India!
It’s not the kind of delightful fusion you see in ballet or gourmet. It’s revolting, self-serving and dishonest to the core. Being unorthodox and being despicable are completely different things. Pick a side.
I’m done for now. And I didn’t even mention sexual abuse. A lot of this applies to desi women in phoren lands too. You know, the holy mothers of the land who have descended upon this planet to refine unholy, uncultured bitches like me?
“Unlike you Jups, I have culture in me!” ( while I have what? satan music and alcohol?)
“Unlike you Jups, I am actually pure” (which always makes me wonder what the litmus test for human purity is…)
“Indian women don’t drink and swear Jups, who will ever want to marry you?”
Whoa, really now? When I last checked, the definition of Indian culture did not include taking your guy friends to strip clubs or making out with foster brothers. But what do I know? I’ve been out of India so long, they tell me India has changed a lot since I left. Clearly, wearing a ‘bindi’ absolves you of all sins.
But for more on that, here’s Punkster’s account of desi girls and their insuffrable eccentricities.
P.S. Based on real events, accidents, conversations, condemnations, prudes and perverts. Conclusive evidence can be found in most bars, clubs, libraries and offices.