Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the first ever real, actual, unfabricated chat transcript of the Jups with one of her favorite people across the straits of Johor..
AJ: Yo, Jupies- BEWARE! The dark shroud of Valentines is almost upon us!
Jups: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t read that.
AJ: Well yesterday I got 2 separate one of those stalker-esque SMSes which basically rambled on like “You don’t know me, but how have you been doing…” I hate being in a situation where I have to play guessing games about people I never seen! People do get crazy desperate around this time of year. GAH!
Jups: I’m not even gonna dignify its existence this year. In fact, all this hoopla-ies is making me sickies
(note: sickeningly cute habities of ending wordies with ies is practiced quite oftenies when Jupies and AJies converse)
AJ: Coolies! Lets do a Valentines’ do’s & don’t’s dialogue because we are so smart, spontaneous & unpretentious…It should be TOTALLY (yeah right) unpolished, unedited & unadulterated… *smirk*
Jups: hahahaa.. basically how not to feel like a lowlife loser… right? Hmm.. you go first!
AJ: Well the most obvious don’t is not to incite the wrath of the bitch queen of everything- AJ. So DON’T be a desperate stalker type randomly SMSing/ contacting potential dates! Polite people just don’t do that, and well, sluts should have enough guts to ask someone is interested to have sex straight up!
Jups: Don’t go prowling in clubs where you have to compete with hookers in bikinis
AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh! Avoid all mass media & annoying events this should include all Valentines’ TV specials- even stupid documentaries like ‘the love of chocolate’ and radio stations trying to hook you up with strangers. Better to rent a good movie or watch a non-lovey-dovey TV series!
Jups: Have you seen Swarovski’s flaming hearts? They look like pink vomit on fire.
AJ: That’s not really a don’t or a do, is it?
Jups: Hmmm.. Absolutely do not read romance-related articles like the ones that start with “50 ways to propose”. If you’re gonna eat ice cream, be dignified about it. Go to the ice cream parlor and order a nice sundae. Don’t gulp down a tub while wearing sweats.
AJ: And when it comes to food you better be reasonable. Never forget, there is a life after Valentines! Moderation baby!
Jups: Wise words darling
AJ: Over do the fried foods, fatty foods & sweet foods on the V day and you will have to pay by over doing the gym/diet for the rest of the year!
Jups (who doesn’t know what gym/diet means): No lowering of standards. No accepting dates/propositions just because you want to be held
AJ: But it’s okay to have a nice dinner with several single & equally as stable/unstable friends.
Jups: Must do dinners. Must not overdo “fuck valentine’s day” rants.. (look who’s talking)
AJ: I think its okay to throw small hissy fits but nothing that involves liquids/fluids of any sort. Venting- good, erupting- bad…
Jups: Change your latest weakness’s phone number to “dont call this number, bitch” (wise words from a soul sister) and DONT CALL HIM
AJ: LOL… Yeah in line with that- Don’t get too drunk and be oddly tempted to call him or any exs you may so happen to have a compulsion to confess your undying love to! Don’t go drunkenly telling your friends you love them unless, like me, you do it all the time. Should we recommend some music? Hee hee hee…
Jups: lol good! Do not listen to All by Myself..ughhhhh
AJ: Avoid all breakup songs! My particular worst ever would be The Scientist by Coldplay! I once listened to that song for 4 days straight… I know a goat who still cringes at that thought hahaahaha.
Jups: oh my god yes! AVOID COLDPLAY, AVOID TEARS!
AJ: And if bitterness still builds, repeat this fail-safe mantra- ‘Its better to love myself than some premature-ejaculator’.
Thankfully I’m not bitter. In fact today someone asked me “What’s plans for tomorrow?” and I said ” Tomorrow is Wednesday..I don’t drink until Fridays” (that’s a lie but the point is that I only remembered it was a wednesday).
Anyway, Happy Wednesday, ESPECIALLY to Angelina whose boyfriend proposed last month. I am sooooo happy for you!!
Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
And we stare at the beautiful women
“She’s looking at you.Ah, no, no, she’s looking at me.”
Smiling in thebright lights
Coming through in stereo
When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely
p.s. I have a very exciting story to tell you about what happened yesterday, but all in good time.