Stories from the cubicle..
Story 1- I’m not afraid of your balls
If there is one thing I could tell you about investment banking, it is that it is full of pricks. The typical investment banker wears an expensive suit, has a God complex and thinks he can scream at someone to his heart’s content as long as they’re on the other end of the telephone receiver. (Something tells me they wouldn’t have the balls to pull it off face to face). Because I aspire to be be exactly this some day, I don’t have a problem with these types anymore. Which is why telling you this story gives me a strange sense of satisfaction. Or cheap thrills.
Here’s what happened. This front office guy gets batshit angry and calls up my teammate. He doesn’t tell her what the issue is. He yells at her even though she has no clue what he is talking about (because she wasn’t the one who did the deed). She then puts him on hold for a bit, figures that this is my area of responsibility and transfers the call over. Poor girl.
I have no clue who this guy or what he wants but I answer the phone anyway..
“YES, WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?”
“this is Jupiter…?”
“WHY HAVE YOU GONE AND DONE BLAH BLAH WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE CONTACTED THE OTHER BLAH BLAH? INSERT 3 MINUTE ANGRY RANT”
(Luckily, I understood his accusation and had an explanation)
” Yes, actually I have to contact the blah to confirm blah blah blah”
“THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION! WHY DIDN’T YOU CONTACT THE OTHER BLAH BLAH !?”
Okay now the asshole was really asking for it. He wasn’t gonna assimilate a word of what I was saying unless I belted it out in his style. So I gave it back up to him. Rattled off the procedure and used “because we’re supposed to!” and “because it is permissible” a coupla times. I didn’t scream or yell- it was an unsympathetic, dry tone that said “I am soooo not buying the intimidation tactics, mister”. Then he came around..
“I understand what you’re saying but the problem was that…*whine whine whine*”
“Well, I am not responsible for that, so I can’t help you there”
“Are you happy if I got the information myself and passed it to you?”
“Yeah that’d be great!”
He emailed me later in the day. Signed “Kind Regards”..
I win. You’re my biatch. (Cheap thrills, I know.)
Story 2- Noone likes donkey balls
Did I tell you that bonus was absolutely dismal? That it sucked donkey balls? (My latest disgusting expression)
Well it did suck donkey balls. It’s barely enough to buy me that apple macbook, its accompanying bag and a big mac. That is fucking abyssmal. Period.
So I quit.
You can turn the clock to zero,honey
I’ll sell the stock, we’ll spend all the money
We’re starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river’s wide, we’ll swim across
Started up a brand new day