Shut Your Eyes

Jupiter Juice: A series of unfortunate events aka Juice Wars

Episode 1: Attack of the Lizards

Somedays I really, truly, deeply believe that the world at large is out to get me and that God in heaven is just sitting up there wiht a frikkin voodoo doll of my likeness, that he is poking in reckless abandon. Fuck that shit.

I’m not being paranoid. After being shaken and scared to death by the e-word, I had decided that I was gonna spend the night at Zip’s place. I did go back to my apartment to pick up some stay-over stuff.

I knew that night I wasn’t meant to be alone. Things were horribly wrong. I was dropping things, tripping over things. And lizards were everywhere! I’ve told you before that I have a lizard problem, my house is INFESTED with lizards and they scare the soul of my body. Last week, I woke up startled to hear someone knocking (I’m alone this week) only to realise that the knocking was the “ticktickticktick” sound of my bedroom’s resident lizard. I have never seen it, but I presume it lives underneath my computer table.

That night lizards were everywhere, crossing my path wherever I walked.

Get a plate from the kitchen- there’s a big brown lizard
Go to the balcony to dry my clothes- theres a big white lizard blocking the threshold
Get the stick to hang clothes with- there’s a sentinel lizard there doing its life’s purpose- scaring ME!

BASTARDSHITFACEDMOTHERFUCKINGTURDS! Why can’t they just leave me alone!
I loathed myself, cursed my apartment and I went away.

————————-

Episode 2: Revenge of the Sandwich

Anyway, last night I did get back to my own apartment and made myself a very very hearty and delicious dinner. I’m gonna call this dinner “Jups’ special assorted sandwich tv dinner”. This is the fastest, heartiest and yummiest dinner you’ll ever make!

ingredients:

1 egg
5 slices of bread
I can’t believe it’s not butter butter
copperpot’s two in one roasted red pepper dip/pesto
chorizo slices/paprika salami
1 cheese single
salt
fresh black pepper
tv or 1 dvd of favorite sitcom
1 glass favorite drink

1. Take 5 slices of bread (normal brown bread, not some dinner-plate sized huge loaf, not unless you’re SHREK)

2. Toast four slices and butter them with “I can’t believe it’s not butter”. If you can’t find ICBINB, then use normal butter while exclaiming “I really can’t believe it’s not butter!”

3. Place 3-4 slices of chorizo ham or spicy paprika salami on two of the slices. These slices are called slice 1 and slice 2. (I want to declare mad undying love for salami but that is material for another day)

4. Liberally douse with spread of choice- Copperpot’s roasted red pepper dip/pesto. (Optional step)

5. Put a slice of cheese on 3rd slice

6. Heat the pan, crack open an egg and “destroy” it i.e. scramble randomly. Scoop out the destroyed remains of the egg onto 4th slice. Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper.

7. Slice 3 goes on slice 1 and slice 4 goes on slice 2.

Slice 5 is to be eaten with yesterday’s leftovers (how utterly random eh?). Enjoy awesomely yummy salami sandwiches with audio-visual entertainment of choice and finish with drink of choice.

———————-

Episode 3: A phantom menace

After a very awesome dinner, and sitcom-viewing, I was about to hit the sack. I washed my face, took the remote control and switched on the airconditioning.

CREAK.

“What was that?” I thought. I couldn’t see clearly sans lenses, sans glasses. I saw something big and black crawl into the aircon from underneath the flap (that flappy thing that swings in slow mo?). It was TOO FAT to be a lizard, still I convinced myself that it was. I lay in bed, switched on the bed lamp and started to read (hold your breath for this) a Coach catalogue. Ok, I do these things, but that is not the point. The point is that in the angular orange light, I could get a much clearer view of what was inside the flap- a face.

It was too big for a lizard. A giant black face with a big beady eye. It was a frog-like face. It better not be a frog. Besides, frogs can’t crawl up walls and get into aircons! (Please God, please let there never be frogs that can). Maybe it’s a monitor? or a chameleon? Yeah, but if it was a chameleon, it wouldn’t be so blatantly black against the white plastic, would it? Clearly my aircon was home to some ungodly mutated lizard-frog hybrid. Maybe that’s why the tickticktick noises were getting so loud these nights? My toes were curling with fear.

Oh-kay. Jups, calm down. Do not pass out from the fear.

I prayed to all the Gods I knew, and even the ones I didn’t. Took the remote and turned the aircon off. The flap slow-moed back and sealed the vent shut. It was the best I could do. As the flap winged shut, I noticed a brown tail-like thingie sticking out. Could it be? Nah, maybe it’s some dirt you didn’t notice. Minutes later, said appendage was decidedly ..shorter.

Now I must mention something here. The head and the tail were at different spots of the vent. The (brown) tail was in front of the (black) head. Which can only mean one thing. There were two creatures. *gulp*

I slept. Eventually.

What I am trying to say, ladies and gentlemen, is that as we speak, THERE IS/ARE AN UNIDENTIFIED CREEPY CRAWLY MONSTER(S) IN MY BEDROOM!

HEEEEEEEEEELPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Episode 4: The Jedi Shower

My shower mysteriously broke this morning. Water was everywhere.

Episode 5: The Shorticake strikes back

Today’s bitchy ranty tirade is special not just because of supernatural elements, mutant creatures and delicious meals. Today’s tirade features guest star Shorticake – friend, colleague and bitch in crime.

Here’s her extra special, extra pissy rant. She didn’t believe how cathartic it is to type swear words on a screen. Now she does.

My team of 10 colleagues has recently decided to go on a shopping spree – at our COLLECTIVE expense!! Mind you, I wasn’t privy to the decision till I was slapped with a $60 bill for two watches. What do I get for forking so much out? A crummy lunch that involved bloody (in both LITERAL and figurative senses) pigs’ livers. There should be an award out there (preferably monetary) for maintaining stoic control of one’s gag reflex.

Back to the rant – people are asking for iPods and diamond watches (with the promise to top up anything over and above the $300 budget) and 3 of these people will leave by the end of the month. So where does that leave me, birthday being AFTER they leave? With a crummy gift (cos the only thing that these people know about me is that I love chocolate and I love my boy) or forking out more to meet the $300 budget. Oh, and did I mention that I was asked if I wanted an iPod too – in pink?!! WTF?!!!

Here’s what I want for my birthday – a holiday on the beach far far away from them!! But I can’t take that vacation coz it’s that time of the month when we’re busiest. So get this – I’m paying $250 bucks to get a crummy gift and no holiday on my birthday.
Bite me!

————
Well that’s that. I, for one, hope noone gets bitten or eaten. And a special request to all those manly heaps of muscles out there- this is your big day. As far as unidentified mutants are concerned, I am very much a damsel in distress- So get off your protein-fortified ass and SAVE ME GODDAMNIT!

Addendum: Trust the butter-haired Ronan to write a song for days like this.

I woke this morning, shoes untied
shower’s bust, radio lied,
car won’t start, it’s cold outside,
somedays are like that.

Got the bus that never came,
walked to work, lost my job,
and you don’t love me anymore,
somedays are like that.

All the lights are stuck on red,
empty heart, empty bed
the guy on the news said love is dead,
somedays are like that.

Walked the dog, he ran away,
I’ve got nothing good to say,
you don’t love me anymore

Somedays are like that!

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6 thoughts on “Shut Your Eyes

  1. What men? All those with the Y chromosome out here are scared of aforementioned creepy crawlies! I’ve frequently been called upon to rescue them from an assortment of grasshoppers, rhino beetles, etc.BAH – this is not my month…and no, it’s not the TIME of the month either…boy am I looking forward to THAT!

  2. Ugh…Australia is home to many creepy crawlies ( and not just the men) and we always have random creatures in our house. A giant blue-tongues lizard lives under our back steps and on more than one occasion have come home from holidays to find birds have flown down our chimney and stupidly, bless their souls, tried to escape by bashing their bird brains out on our windows. But the most random one has been waking up one day and finding a possum in our bathtub. And we don’t even live in the bush!!!!!!!But…*shudder* unidentified creepies in the air vent…I’d get out of there FAST. I love salami too!!! And I do mean both kinds 😛 Ok…that was rude but I HAD to say it :PHope some muscle headed man comes to your rescue 😛 Soon.

  3. Shortie- I’m the cockroach warrier, spider nemesis and all that. But not lizards. this sucksPoor you..Livinghigh- noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooP- thanks, but it’s all true ya know 😦 Will you buy my book? ;)Punkster-*Puts on batwoman costume to funky tan-ta-da theme song*Silvara-OMG I would just drop dead. “Giant” and “blue-tongue”? Dead birds at the window-sill? OMG!And how the hell does a possum get into the bath? Do you like, walk into a room or a closet and randomly scream “EEEEEEEEEKs” because there is some random woodland creature inside? How!And thanks for the update, gutterbrain 😉 tsk tsk..kids these days. (Bet your fiance would be rather pleased if he read this)

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