Ways and Means

Oh My God.

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness (TPOH) coupla days back and I have to say that regardless of all the squishy cheesiness, I loved the movie. Why? Because I am from a middle class background, have an abnormal empathy for rags to riches stories and am hopelessly devoted to Will Smith. Some might say it’s because Will Smith is the hottest man alive but this is not true. I remind you that the hottest man alive is in fact none other than Craig David who I love madly and unconditionally. Craig David, Brandy and Mariah Carey are three singers whose singing always,and I mean ALWAYS, make me think of Bailey’s Irish Cream. My point is that Craig David rules. Actually, no, that’s not quite the crux of this discussion.

Basically TPOH is about adversity- about one very proud guy’s way of overcoming adversity. In the story, Chris Gardner goes from being broke to broke and homeless to stock broker for awesomelycoolfirm of the 80s-Dean Witter. While some of us may have considered moonlighting at a McDs or as a cleaner to gather pennies, Chris does no such thing. He slogs his butt off sans salary until he lands that dream job. He makes misguided judgements. He reaches the nadirs of brokeness when he spends nights in toilets and poor homes. It’s a huge risk which luckily pays off.

Now back to me.

Obviously, I have been spending like nobody’s business the past month. And that was alright because I was going to get paid for my half-month here, and was looking forward to some medical and leave reimbursements as well. Today, I received a rather rude shock. I am not getting paid. My last month’s salary and all other monetary reimbursements are being WITHHELD! ARGHHHHH. Fucking hell!

It’s apparently some sorta tax consideration rule that basically means that while they compute my taxes for the year, my monies are withheld. I am thwarted. This is a gross amputation of human rights because I am human.

Close to a month’s salary- gone (for the time being at least). You have no idea what that means for someone who lives in the now. Noone lives in the now like I do. Think Chris Garnder with the following modifications- female, childless, with expensive paraphernalia and not likely to get any sympathy for bringing bankruptcy on herself.

While I am a law-abiding person and I don’t have anything against said existence-thwarting law, I do wish I had known about this beforehand. I could have made a contigency plan better than the one I have now.

Which brings me to my new how to subsist on zero salary plan:-

1. Diet:
What better/easier way to lose weight than not being able to afford to eat? From now until next salary day, Jups shall consume potatoes and air. Other affordable options include pumpkins, cabbage and oats. Did you know that one kilo of oats costs a little over a dollar? Now you know why horses are so damn buff. It’s impossible to get all that muscle mass from grass!

2. Drinks:
Water is awesome! Remember how awesome water is! Water is free and it comes straight from the tap, it’s unlimited and did I mention it’s free?
No more alcohol. All those dorks who (insist that they can) get high on life, happiness and orange juice have a point (besides being indisputably uncool)-that life, happiness and orange juice are either cheap or free. So get high on bad jokes and produce. *snort* The future is orange, duuuuhdde.

3. Clothes:
Regrettably, the vanload of dirty laundry that the Jups was planning to subject the dry cleaners to shall never make it. Handwash a lot.

4. Liabilities:
Come Salary or bankruptcy, loans must be paid. Or the banks get pissed and pissed off debtors tend to be rather vicious. (refer to TPOH for a brilliant example of a “WTF, how can they take my money like that” moment. Oh and the answer is “because you owe them you big dummy!”)
Cut down potato consumption to accomodate loan payments. Nick the occassional wallet or chain. Bills can be sorted out by charging bills to your credit card. This process is called “living on credit”. This is the only way Jups has known.

5. Friends:
As you may well know, friends are very expensive to keep especially if you have the sort of gullible face that I’m blessed with (that and the annoying habit of answering “of course” without pondering the question). Most normal people would be under the impression that someone who is joining a new firm isn’t exactly hardpressed for cash. They expect grand celebrations, sumptuous plates of kebabs and extensive corkage. Little do they know that the laws that be have shafted you in your posterior. Fret not. “I left my wallet in my other pair of chinos” was, is and always will be an excellent excuse. Otherwise run to the toilet, feign diarrhoea for the longest time till they all get bored, foot the bill and leave.
Other options include turning anti-social (pretend you have incontinence, measles or both and they won’t insist on your company), inviting them over for a hearty meal of potatoes and water or having someone inform them that you have been abducted by aliens. But do remember to reclaim debts from those pesky friends that owe you money before you fake your abduction.

Well that’s all I have for now. I will let you know once I begin my weekend wicker-basket-weaving business. Generous dona..I mean investments are welcome.

(seriously, pretty please)

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4 thoughts on “Ways and Means

  1. My mouth dropped open when you mentioned Craig David – because, I too, think he is HOT. In fact, it was for the very fact that Evs had the “Craig David” going on when I met him that attracted me to him. Then he shaved it off once we established we were together. Pooey. Will Smith is also of the undeniably good looks and talent – have you SEEN that shower scene in I, Robot??? Nobody without serious training can get a butt like that. *Drool*Haven’t seen TPOH yet – but it’s on my to do list. When I get time from in between reading bloody mountain load of business law practices and shoe shopping :PI like the ideas for living frugally – if anyone can do it you can. Go get ’em Jups 🙂

  2. Can I join the Craig-mania if it’s actually another Craig I’m pantin’ after? One Mr. Daniel Craig makes my heart go bumpadee-bumpadee-bumpadee-boom.

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