I have never been a fan of the routine existence. I get bored too easily. Maybe I took the routine existence for granted – the paychecks, the insurance coverage, the regularised compulsive shopping, all of it. It’s close to year now that my existence has been anything but routine. Since August of last year, my life had no resemblance to my life before..
In this year, I’ve changed roommates…. I’ve stuffed 90% of my wardrobe and shoes in storage boxes, lived on a select few shirts, dresses and jeans and shoes… I’ve fallen in love…I’ve given up the apartment I’ve loved and lived in for 4 years…I’ve received more rejection emails than I ever thought was humanly possible… I’ve borrowed an insane amount of money…I’ve traveled to many little countries on two continents. I’ve been overwhelmed at the depth of some of my friendships and the lack thereof of the others…Sympathy, aid and condescension; Exhilaration, angst and pain; Exhaustion, pressure and gratification – I’ve seen it all. I think.
All the stability I ever had, even in my crazy existence, I took for granted…I think my craziness was limited into an imaginary box – the medical mayhems, the bad bosses, the sick men were all confined within a secured area. I think financial security was that imaginary box to some extent but there’s more to it than that. I never thought I would have hesitate to take a cab or worse, regret taking it because the fare came out too high. I never thought I’d look at store windows longingly with no means of buying the beautiful things.
I question myself now for having an existence where I don’t know when I will get my next paycheck, where it will come from and how much I will to change, persevere and pray for it to come through.
Today I am confused, confounded, befuddled and truly pissed off at the lack of clarity. I have to book an airticket and I don’t what my departure city is. Why? because it is two months away and I don’t know whether I should fly back to India in the interim or continue looking for jobs here. I probably will opt for staying in Singapore.
Today I will start my online Spanish courses in preparation for an upcoming Spanish exam which is gonna be one mother of a difficult one. And my Spanish knowledge is NOWHERE near my french knowledge so I have to pray for a miracle and work crazy hard in the next two months to get myself to a decent level of Spanish. With zero money and self-study through free online courses, that is not going to be easy. But hey, as if anything in my little life has ever been easy.
I am not freaked out by the new “living together” situation because it is something I have longed for, for a while now. But I am freaked out by the fact that I am unemployed and he isn’t. It is of course good news that one of us has a job – that is not the point. What I am afraid of is countless “housewife” jokes (many of which have been cracked already by insensitive birdbrains). What I am afraid is in fact my existence will not be too different from that of a housewife – I will wake up in the morning and watch him go to work. I will cook. I will surf the web looking for jobs (okay so housewives don’t do that). I will wait for him to come home for dinner. I don’t think being a housewife is a bad thing but it is not something I see myself doing so early in life, IF EVER. Most of these things I have been doing forever. As far as keeping a good house goes – decorating, cooking elaborate meals,etc – I am fairly domesticated. But being domesticated with a boy in tow and no job to pay for shoes that I can only crave and no longer afford is going to test every fibre of my spirit. I just hope I am up to the challenge. I must acknowledge the fact that it would be ten thousand times more difficult for me, had I been single and not had Brendan to fall back on. So I hope that cohabitation and my bad moods do not affect the relationship.
I call this post “Only time” because…
I just sat down on my bed and wondered to myself, “Jups, what do you know for certain about the future?” and I didn’t mean it in some serious metaphysical sense. So don’t give me that shit about dying tomorrow or whatever. I mean it in a material, physical, real ambitious-girl-in-her-mid-to-late twenties sense. I feel like I am floating through life with zero certainty. I don’t have a “yes” answer to any question. Where will I work? When will I find a job? Will this relationship evolve to what my parents want it to evolve into? Where will we live next year? Will Brendan have to return to India? Will I have to follow him there ? Will I ever do him any justice for moving to Singapore for me? Will I disappoint him by not finding a job in Singapore? How will we live apart if I have to move to some place else? How will I find the courage to move to some place else when he moved here for me? Why does the list of my material urges keep growing in my mind when that elusive highpaying job is nowhere in sight? And most of all, why are the forces that be trying my spirit for all that it’s worth? When does it get easy?
That’s why this post is called “Only time”…
Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose, only time?
I don’t even know what to pray for anymore… a little clarity? a little hope? a little courage? a little lady luck? a whole lotta love? a winning lottery ticket?
Please just set things right…I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this…