Caramel prisoner

Ikea… I love it but I also hate it. I loathe it, I despise it but I still go back to it. Curse you, limited budgets.

Despite all my better judgement, I decided to go to IKEA on Sunday. I thought well, since everything else is closed anyway, I might as well go and get some of the stuff I am still missing. My ambitious plan was to lug back at least one piece of heavy furniture along with the miscellaneous junk like hangers and jars and what not. I took my backpack and two blue recyclable Ikea bags along.

Boy did that day go horribly horribly wrong. First, I missed my Wall Street stop and went straight to Brooklyn Bridge. Now there are two things that piss me off about downtown. It attempts to be very creative with street names and digresses from the Manhattan model of Street-Avenue numbering. So it’s a little bit harder to find your way. Technically it’s not that difficult if you have a map (because then it’s like any other city). I didn’t have a map. Secondly, downtown is filled with tourists who don’t know the way any better than you do. So basically without a map, you’re fucked. Add to that the inconsequential detail that the fucking Station Control guard gives you the wrong direction (they always do, sent Brendan off to Queens twice!). I was as lost as Pamela Anderson in a Burkha shop. Thankfully, one friendly guy sent me off in the right direction. I knew I had a LONG way to walk before I was anywhere near the pier where I would take the boat to IKEA.

Next problem. It was cold. The annoying thing about this “Spring” season, as it were, is that it’s not what you picture spring to be. In my mind spring is flowers abloom and warm sunshine on green grass and weather that isn’t quite cold but isn’t sweat-running-down-your-back-hot. Barring that freakish Sunday with 2 hours of actual warmth, spring has been a miserable wet fucking sock. It rains all the time and when it doesn’t it’s still as fucking cold as it was last month only now it’s also windy. I am not making this up, for a split second this particular afternoon, I actually blew away. The wind whisked me up and pushed me rightwards one inch. I was fucking terrified.

And I only had one a sweater and a trench coat (because it’s spring, get it?). And I didn’t even wear the coat at first – I wore just the sweater because it was my old mulberry colored one which matched my “eggplant” cashmere cap and my purple shades so I look cooky and cute. Of course I didn’t want to be a cute frozen Popsicle so I wore the coat. I was almost certain that the coat would act like a sail and I would be hand gliding across Brooklyn Bridge.

As I inched closer to Wall Street, I saw a pizza place and couldn’t resist biting into a warm pizza in this fucking cold. So I did. Only it was slightly difficult to keep the plate straight and aim the pizza at my mouth without slathering the pepperoni fat all over my face. (This is why I do up my eyes, ladies, you can wipe the pizza off your face and you’re still looking food, I mean good). So anyway, a couple of pepperoni slices blew away in the wind, but I managed to ingest most of it. And for a tiny second, I felt a little smug but then I realized that in my valiant attempts to save my pizza slice from being airborne, I had let the red chilli-laced pepperoni fat flow right through my palm and onto my ivory white trench coat. EGAD!

Stay Strong Jups. The church is here which means Wall Street is close by, which means the pier is too. I trudged along and finally could see the pier. And the boat leaving. Oh no. 40 minutes to the next boat, I was waiting in the cold shivering and cursing myself for putting myself through this. Why God Why? I miss living near Holland Village and having the IKEA a 5 minute bus ride away.

So anyway, I managed to get to IKEA. I was a bit perplexed at the number and size of Jewish families visiting. It was so strange. I mean they were dressed to the tee, everyone in suits including the kids, the men wearing their presumably festive hats (they were large and made of fur, I think). I don’t get it..why IKEA?

Anyway, I quickly picked up the kitchen things I needed (time was running out and I didn’t want to chance taking the last boat out!) and headed to the warehouse style furniture aisles. I found the nightstand that suited me. It was too high for me to reach. As usual, no one in sight to help me. Great. A glass stool was just sitting there. Hmm.. glass could break.. well these young men standing near you bitching about something totally inane are not going to help so might as well risk it. I stood on the glass and slowly judged the 11kg box out of the rack.Caught it in my arms and slowly climbed down. The stool was unhurt. Whew.

Great, there is no way I can buy anything else. I shove the box halfway into my ikea blue bag and the rest of the goodies into my backpack. I take the boat back. As I carried the heavy load back (while no one offered to help), I could swear IKEA was slowly eating into my will to live. I had half a mind to toss the damn bag into the river. Ugh.

But I didn’t. I patiently crossed road and hailed a cab. The ride back was beautiful. FDR Drive, along the river. A little scary because the car was going at top speed and I felt it might take off and land in the river. I went pale at the thought. The driver was a young Sikh who hit on me quite gutlessly throughout the ride. But well, on Easter Sunday, there were hardly any cabs so I didn’t care.

I assembled the nightstand and it’s cute. While it costs less than my bronze table lamp, it compliments it perfectly.

Today I went on the IKEA site and tried to order the media stand online and here’s what it spat out. Is it just me or is this beyond the realms of stupidity

Subtotal $79.99
Shipping & Handling Cost $124.13
Order Total excl. taxes $204.12
Taxes $17.10
Order Total Total cost of order incl. shipping and taxes $221.22

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I feel like I am on crack!! Or Ikea is on crack!!! ARGH! In Singapore, you could get shit delivered (AND assembled!) for just 40$ and even that was waived off if you bought beyond a certain amount.

Fuck it, I can buy a much better console for this price. Ugh.

On Saturday I went to Crate & Barrel to see sofabeds – one in particular that seemed to be in my price range. Turns out that sleeper sofas are a bad idea because sleepers make the sofa too firm – not exactly what I had in mind while planning to watch a billion movies and turning into a couch manatee. Hmm. Not to mention that you could buy the same mattress separately for 300$ lesser than you would if it was already included within the sofa. Double Hmmm.

Sorry guests, I am getting a big ol’ spare mattress and a pretty couch that sinks like a giant cushy pillow.

In other news, I have been shopping quite a fair bit. I returned the big brown bag (it was gorgeous but too big on my frame) and in return bought some skinny jeans from Diesel and Miss Sixty and a black cardigan. I also bought some fantastic new makeup – namely a pretty, understated eye liner called Black Honey (that would be an interesting name for a dark-skinned stripper or for that matter for a nice brown race horse) and Lancome Juicy tubes… I went slightly overboard with the latter and purchased umm… 2 big ones and 10 little ones. Don’t even think it. This is why online shopping is so dangerous…the fucking “Add to shopping cart” is too tempting!

There are advantages too no doubt; like I can buy my cables online for much cheaper than I would in a store…and it’s not like you really even need to see the cables. There are 5$ alternatives for what’s sold in the Apple or Bestbuy stores (In fact I got totally ripped off on my HDMI cable at the store). But oh well, I know so much more than the average-I-just-moved-to-New-York person out there and even some who have been here a while.

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3 thoughts on “Caramel prisoner

  1. Hey there, found my way to your blog through casablanca’s blog (have been reading hers for a while now). About this post-Pepperoni slices were literally blown away?! Wow, that’s some wind!Online shopping- I am (wilful)victim too. Can’t resist ordering pretty things from the comfort of my home. *Sigh*-Mala

  2. yech…what a day!!!It’s autumn here and the weather sounds pretty much the same…I love the idea of all the shopping you are doing – i have been in my new house for 6 months now and it’s still incomplete!!!you have inspired me to do something…I’m addicted to online shopping as well – because of my self-diagnosed low self-esteem I buy most of my clothes off eBay now lol. If they don’t fit sell ’em back 😀

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