Black Tables

It’s been over a month since I’ve blogged and what a horrendous, nauseating roller coaster ride it has been. The level of uncertainty in my daily existence is only comparable to the level of disappointment and yet I try to remain hopeful, passionate and upbeat (maybe because on some level, I try to reason that as bad as things are, they could be worse?)

The parents have disappointed me, the friends (some, at least) have disappointed me, the job hunt has disappointed me (nothing new there huh?). Maybe I am still smiling because the horrendous sinus attack -that stupid unexpected shitstorm that was affecting everything, my moods, my work, my ability to bend, my ability to smell my own perfume, everything – that struck me over a month ago is finally showing some meagre signs of abating. Maybe it’s because the insomnia is slowly going away (let’s see what happens tonight). Maybe it’s because the inexplicable, utterly bizarre streak of nights where one glass of alcohol would keep me awake until dawn is finally over? Or maybe it’s because Brendan may finally be able to take some time off and spend his 30th birthday with me; he still doesn’t have permission to book tickets, such is his job, but one can be hopeful, right?

This weekend I relished a hangover – I mixed drinks, danced a lot, had a blast and woke up with a heavy, throbbing head and it felt great. I also smoked a hookah and actually got a buzz from it. Sounds ridiculous but it feels good to be able to do and enjoy things you always did and for some inexplicable reason (health-related or not, who knows?) stopped enjoying.

I am optimistically looking at hotels in Jamaica in the hope that Brendan and I will be able to get away from it all. Wish me luck.


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