Ironic

Two days ago, I wore a very cute outfit to work. The piece de resistance was the psychedelic yellow skirt from anthropologie paired with a black short sleeved skirt. My shoes however were dull brown with red trim – an old pair from nine west. So of course my colleague pointed out “ummm I am not feeling the shoes, Jupiter” to which I responded “I know but I broke my black pumps” to which she then said, aghast, “And you have only one pair of black pumps?”
“Ummmm”
“Seriously? No.. seriously? You’re kidding me”

Seriously, yes, I only had one pair of plain black pumps. They are very cute, they are over a year old now and I love them and I intend to get them shod again so they’re good as new. It is really really difficult to get good black pumps and I say this for several reasons.

First of all, the black pump almost always looks worse than its brown counterpart and whenever I see a black pump next to other coloured pumps in the same design, I tend to pick up the other colour. So then you ask, well how many brown pumps do you have, Jupiter? The answer: one. I have only one closed toe brown pump (aforementioned boring pump with red trim).

Secondly, I am easily distracted as far as shoes are concerned. I have certain weaknesses when shopping. Like little kids or certain breeds of farm animals, I am easily distracted by bright colours and shiny things. Jups goes to a store to buy black pumps, walks out with jewelled sandals. Jups goes to buy work pants, walks out with a white floral dress. Jups goes to buy a business suit, walks out with orange dress. Do you see my problem? I have two pairs of orange sandals but only pair of black pumps! What the hell is wrong with me?

Thirdly, pumps, regardless of colour are overshadowed by their prettier, slightly younger, perkier sister – the peep-toe pump. Who can resist their 50s allure? It is absolutely impossible for me to pick out a closed-toe pump in the presence of the hotter peep-toe. Of course, later I regret such decisions as peep-toes fail in cold weather, interviews and other situation that demand being covered up.

Occassionally though, you will stumble upon that perfect black pump – just the right shade of soft black leather, just the right amount of adornment, just the right heel, just the right shape. It will also be by fucking Manolo Blahnik or Moschino or Louis Vuitton and cost anywhere from 400$ to 1200$. Not tonight honey, I am not there yet.

It was a relaxed friday at work, and the boss was away. I was on endless.com and scouring the website for pumps. I was channeling another classic weakness while trying to find my fix – patent leather. I am a complete sucker for patent leather; I have 5 ridiculously beautiful patent leather shoes in my shoellection (new word #347) – 3 designer, 2 undesigner and all five to-die-for. So yes, I thought if somehow I could find a black patent leather pump, I wouldn’t end up with another stupid pair of stilettos that are utterly useless in New York.

The way I shop is I try to find a shoe or two that match my style and then I filter shoes by the brand that makes those so that the screen matches my taste (instead of a random hodgepodge of stupid shit). So here I am looking at the entire “Pour La Victoire” collection – I had never heard of this company before but clearly they make very pretty shoes.

My shopping cart does not look promising.
1. PLV Open-toed Mary Janes – Black? check! patent leather? check! closed-toe? FAIL. Heel height? 4 1/4. FAIL.
2. PLV Sandals: Colour? White with cherry red trim. FAIL.patent leather? check! closed-toe? Sandal. FAIL. Heel height? 4 1/4 FAIL
3. PLV Pump: Colour? Pink. FAIL. patent leather? check! closed-toe? check! Heel height? 3 3/4 can do.
4. Enzo Angiolini Pump: Colour? black. check! patent leather? check! closed-toe? check! Heel height? 3. check! More boring than watching the Bourne series? check!
5. Via Spiga Pump: Colour? purple and gold. FAIL. patent leather? check! closed-toe? check! Heel height? 3. Check! Cute? check!

Despite the overwhelming variety of shoes in the U.S, it has been a little troublesome to find suitable shoes. I used to think that when I had the cash, I would not hesitate to shell out some big money for a pair of Manolos but I have to say that so far, I am not impressed with the big name designers. The heel heights are getting beyond ridiculous and no, I don’t think that they are so skilfully made that they won’t hurt. Give me a break, 5 1/2 heels are ridiculous, painful and they scream hooker. Anything above 3.5 hurts and that is just the way it is. Victoria Beckham had surgeries to remove ugly bunions and she only wears shoes that cost upwards of 800$. So I cannot understand why the fashion world is swooning at Christian Louboutins. His shoes are ugly! The red sole is passé and seriously, if he ever tried wearing one of his monstrosities , he would dedicate himself to making ballet flats. It is so disappointing to see fashion become more and more out of touch with reality, and I, the owner of two orange shoes, is saying this.

So anyway, fast forward to today. I only ordered 4 of the 5 pairs I selected. They arrived today. Like a cross between a kid at an ice-cream shop and a pervert who has recently discovered a stash of porn, I went from box to box, carefully trying on each pair, smelling the wonderful scent of rich, supple leather…

The result?

#1 – High-heeled blacks did not make the cut. FAIL.

#2 – Despite multiple fails, these PLV sandals were ridiculously beautiful and despite the 4 inch height, surprisingly comfortable. I cannot deny myself these luxuriant beauties. At almost $200, they are welcomed to the ranks of the other “expensive” shoes in the shoecollection.

#3 – The conservative pink PLV pumps are too constricting. FAIL. Too bad, they looked mad cute and were perfect for work. Maybe we shall try another size.

#4 – At only 60$, these Enzo Angiolini shoes would have not only been a great bargain, but also ideal for work with the conservative design and very low heel. Too loose. FAIL.

#5 – Utterly ridiculous, psychedelic and perfect? Conservative grey dress, meet super-awesome shoes. Super-awesome shoes, meet grey dress. A match made in heaven, to be worn in hell.

So I guess we need another round of returns and orders because at the end of the day, I still haven’t found the elusive black pump. In the meantime, I can take comfort in the fact that I now have something truly fabulous to wear with the 6 white dresses I bought in the last 2 months Hey, I never claimed to be a rational human being.

P.S. My birthday is a few months away but I already know what I want. Hint. Hint.

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