Smile

So here I am again. The business class lounge at Doha airport, the same place I was 18 months ago as I was making my naive journey to the city of cities. If someone had told me then that this is where I would be 18 months later, I don’t know what I would have done. I may have balked, or broken down or gotten drunk. Life is full of surprises, isn’t it?

When Brendan dumped me a few weeks ago (it really feels like ages already), I felt dreadful. I have never been dumped before and I almost felt like my ego had been crushed to smithereens. Almost. Today I’ve come to realize that the beautiful thing about a unilateral breakup is the utter lack of guilt on one side. I feel no guilt, shame nor remorse. I did nothing wrong and that feeling is, quite frankly, liberating. I smile more now than I ever did in the last few months and it’s a beautiful feeling.

And then there have been other redeeming experiences that have helped me keep the faith. For instance, the grandiose display of affection and caring from old friends and new has warmed my heart. Single, married or divorced, I know that these people will love me for me and you can’t put a price on that. Darbo and Glassy took me out several times and JJ gave me tons of free alcohol at his club. Lourdes bought me lunch and Noo bought me dinner. Colgate and I spent a quiet evening at his place with expensive wines and a meal he cooked for me. Zip and En took me in on my last day and made dinner for me. Seriously, not a single day has gone by that I’ve had both meals by myself.

And then there’s Orangetree. If my life was a movie, then Orangetree would be that surprise cameo part, ideally played by Brad Pitt or Javier Bardem, a short role but by no means forgettable. Because just when I thought the chances of meeting a nice guy were zilch, along comes Orangetree. Tall, incredibly handsome, self-made man, only a year older and totally into me. But as Alanis Morisette would croon “it’s like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his wife”. Well, Orangetree may be single but he’s single in New York and here I am, on a plane to the other side of the word. In short, Mr.Right, Wrong time. Regardless, if I am smiling a little bit wider, Orangetree has had a part to play and for that, I owe him and I wish him well.

So here I am again. I left my love for New York. Then my love left me. And now I leave my loves – New York and everyone in it – for Hong Kong. Am I happy about leaving New York? Not in the least. Am I happy about moving to Hong Kong? Sure. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Not any more. But I know that it is not a bad thing. The job does sound promising as does the city. So it’s not New York but then again, no other city is. Only New York is New York and so I will be back.

My ex-roomate from France called me yesterday and as I filled him in on the details of my ever-evolving existence, said that I didn’t sound sad. I was grinning widely as I spoke to him so he was right, I wasn’t sad. I am human and I have had my heart broken but if I don’t plaster a big smile on my face and face the future with optimism, the terrorists win.

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3 thoughts on “Smile

  1. I am glad you are in a happy place; breakups are hard, but to go through it like how you're saying, without guilt or shame, makes it easier. It's his loss.So tell us more, is this a new job? Or just a transfer to another city? And if you were in my city, I'd buy you a drink and dinner too! *hugs*

  2. I understand what you mean. Got married at 24, separated by 25 and hopefully divorced by 27 :)But since it wasnt my doing, there is no guilt. I'm happy and liberated now.You hang in there. Wonderful things are in store for you.Hugs-Nitika

  3. the girl who ate too much – Same bank, different job, different country, same Jups :)Nitika – Power to you! I don't think what I went through is all that hard…and by the way, this is going to sound crazy but are you the Nitika I know already (we met in SG)?

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