My visa for Hong Kong, which was scheduled to arrive somewhere around the 15th of September somehow ended up being prematurely ready by Monday, the 30th of August. I was obviously not too kicked about this. I barely got to Bombay at the crack of dawn on Sunday and was looking forward to a relaxing fortnight at home. Add to that the enticing fact that my mom booked the entire family on a relaxing holiday at a five star hotel in Bhubaneshwar, Orissa. Of course, they couldn’t cancel the entire trip because that would have been too expensive so they only cancelled mine. Bummer.
Net net, here I am, in a cosy little cocoon of a seat on Jet airways, flying to Hong Kong – my new land of opportunity and friends and what not. I wanna say that I am excited but even I, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, can’t be that excited for that long. I am a little bit petrified. I already miss New York dearly and of course I keep telling myself and everyone with a ear that I will return to New York but I am petrified of the what-if-I-don’t-ever-get-to-go-back-to-New-York possibility. What if my sweet beloved friends in New York forget and get over me? What if Orangetree was meant to be someone important in my life that I walked away from? What if he has already forgotten me?
But more importantly, where is home? Where will I be five or ten or fifteen years from now? Surely not Singapore, after all that has happened? I doubt I will ever set foot there without having a strong business reason for it. New York, maybe, but will I get to go back? Hong Kong? I just don’t see myself in HK in the long term… where is home? If home is where the heart is, then surely my home is New York and that is a very disturbing thought to have when you’re hurtling through the skies thousands of miles in the opposite fucking direction.
And speaking of disturbing thoughts, I found out today my dad took my breakup quite badly, probably worse than I did because apparently he was grouchy and didn’t eat much for the first few days after the incident. (I found out because my uncle was in town and he didn’t know that my wedding had been canned). As you can imagine, that makes really really angry at he-who-shall-not-be-named because it’s one thing to hurt me and it’s quite fucking another to hurt the ones I love.
I have always believed in destiny and that you only end up in places and situations to allow for the life that follows thereafter. (Disclaimer: I don’t however believe that everything happens for best). So the way I saw it, the bad things that happened to me in my early twenties inspired me to better my life via an MBA and while the MBA itself was totally wicked, it also led to me inadvertently meeting he-wh0-shall-not-be-named and somehow it all seemed to make sense.
Except it didn’t. The unemployment made no sense…niether did getting a job in a Spanish bank in New York, the toughest market to get hired into during a recession while not getting a job in Singapore, a market I was familiar with. Nor did the breakup. Maybe it was so I could meet Orangetree and have so much in common with him and get along with him like a house on fire? But then him whilst he said “But..you’ll come back, right?” doesn’t add up. Nor does the transfer to Hong Kong anymore.
So what am I doing here? All this time, I chased the awesome career while everything else was falling into place…and now…it feels like the rainbow is just as desirable as the pot of gold…(not that the pot of gold isn’t desirable and no, I still don’t make obscene money).
I don’t think I am making much sense but then again, neither does leaving New York. I miss New York, goddamnit! Hong Kong, impress me, love me, give me a hug, whatever works!