massive attack

It’s not very often that you will hear me complain about food. I will eat anything once (almost anything) and while Hong Kong’s offering in terms of Mexican, Latin American and African food is lackluster and/or nonexistent, local fare from around Asia is usually both stupendous and affordable, copious amounts of carcinogenic MSG notwithstanding (I’ll never understand why).

But today I had the sheer misfortune of dining at a very fancy, very expensive restaurant along with my team members and it was one of my most disappointing meals yet in Hong Kong, not counting of course the disastrous meal I had in Rat Alley that gangraped my innards.

It was one of those traditional so-called sit-down lunches (as if there’s any other kind). A lot of the menu was very Chinese, unconscientious, unsustainable fare like the unholy shark fin soup (if you consume this, I pray that you be haunted at night by the souls of a hundred finless sharks). I should have seen my misery coming when the head of the table, i.e. the big cheese proclaimed that he would order for the table.

How utterly presumptuous, I say! I absolutely hate it when some self-indulgent ass thinks he or she can take the liberty of ordering for me. What if I had allergies, Einstein? Will you also proclaim responsibility for my withering anaphylactic death at your lunch table? I didn’t think so.

I was partially relieved when he said he’d ordered Peking duck for the table (a delicious family style dish which is both expensive and extensive and thereby suitable for big groups). But well, the peking duck was crown jewel of meal that was interspersed with some rather ghastly things. And the entire experience was exacerbated by the fact that señor Big Cheese sat next to me and took it upon himself to serve me every dish (whether or not I wanted it) with his own saliva-covered chopsticks. Feel free to take a break now, vomit copiously and return to the rest of this story. The meal….
Tofu skins stuffed with something yummy – yummy
Jellyfish – First of all, what the fuck? I didn’t know people ate jellyfish. Jups 0 Ignorance 1. Second of all it tasted like really old and overcooked squid. So it’s not like I was missing out.

Shark fin soup – Let me just start off by saying that I really do hate being served something and not being told what it is. My gut felt it would be right to ask what it was considering I had seen shark fin soup on the menu minutes ago, announced my vehement opposition to the concept to everyone on the table. At this point 2/3rds of the table nodded in vehement agreement saying they would never order it. I talked about this beautiful (I meant moving) yet graphic exposé on shark finning at the FCC, made everyone curious. So imagine my big fucking surprise to see everyone tucking into it, including my boss who had moments ago said he NEVER orders it and didn’t even blink when I told him that he was eating what he had moments ago deigned to eat.
I calmly told the big cheese
“I can’t eat this, I am morally opposed to this”
“I never order it either but it’s part of the meal. It’s already here, you might as well eat it”
Thinking to myself “well genius, how about asking them to CHANGE that while placing the order”

I smiled and sent it back. I know the poor shark is dead but that doesn’t change the fact that the concept mortifies and nauseates me.

Then came about 100 miligrams of beautiful fried green vegetables to be divided among 9 people. Well done restaurant. Well done everyone. Cull a shark for a measly fin but hey let’s scrimp on the asparagus. You stupid turds.

And these awful prawns deep-fried in egg batter. I was expecting this to taste alright but these unwieldy blobs of clusterfucking prawns can only be described as having the taste and texture of toe fungus.

And it gets worse before getting better. The next dish was a platter of boiled greens, mushrooms and dried beef or ham (I really couldn’t tell). They were all covered with a thick layer of a viscous, translucent liquid. I am guessing it was whale semen. As usual, I was served a generous amount without my asking. The greens were alright, barely. I took a bite of the meat and I was aghast; it was dry and vile like it deserved to be composted rather than consumed. I looked at my colleague who had timed her own nibble at the exact same instant and her expression seemed to say “What the fuck, I am eating meat covered in cum”. As I was still very much alive, I decided to have another go and shoved a mushroom into my mouth. Oh lord, the horror. I struggled to swallow the turd and my discomfort was so evident that two of my colleagues whispered to each other, pointed and laughed. Fuckers.

Thank God for a steamed fish and peking duck which were decidedly outstanding in comparison to the garbage served prior.

Moral of the story: Shark fin soup is evil. Say no to shark fin soup and also to anything that looks like it’s been stewed in walrus funk. I shall never recover. 

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2 thoughts on “massive attack

  1. Ha ha, some Chinese food can be pretty daunting.Ever encountered the 100 year (or is it 1000 year?) egg? An egg that is completely black?They had it on a breakfast buffet and the colour just put me off.

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