fuckin’ perfect

One of the bigger hurdles of the year has now been overcome and I feel neither pride nor shame, niether glee nor regret. I do believe I gave that exam everything I had physically and mentally. When I really really think about it, I realise that I only stepped out of the house to socialize twice – once for Pink’s birthday and once for brunch with Chris and I regret neither.

I was having a delightful and cheerful morning after a delightful and cheerful evening that involved picking up 2 dresses, buying 2 more and splurging on a pair of classic black patent leather wedges (they were from a little boutique but they felt just right despite the lofty price tag). I wore the new dress this morning and I do believe I look as close to perfect as I possibly could in work clothing. Today might have been a great day to run into Mr. Future Husband With Massive Brains, Wads of Cash, a Heart of Gold and a Head full of Unbaldable Dark Locks. (new word # 567). But if such things ever happened when and how I willed them to, I wouldn’t bitching my heart out to an inanimate blog that doesn’t talk back, would I? No and since my exorbitantly priced shoes broke my oft-broken heart when their heel tips came right off, I find myself feeling not so delightful and cheerful anymore.  
No sooner had I finished the exam, than my mother recommenced her barrage of profiles of eligible bachelors my way. Vegetarian / ‘Eggetarian’ non-smoker non-drinker boys looking for nice girls with traditional values. These men and I would make as much of a perfect couple as would a fruit bat and a sperm whale. It gets depressing to say the least – checking out these clearly inappropriate profiles, and then against better judgment, agreeing to being set up only to find to much dismay that these boys write in crippingly bad English about their simple lives and simple habits and simple desires to settle down and have a family in Tamil Nadu. I am not even from Tamil Nadu, how am I supposed to relate to this? Why are their parents pursuing girls like me? Niether side is right or wrong but we are about as well-matched as mayonnaise and a chocolate sundae.
And then there is a Madrid trip next week that I dread. I don’t hope to get anything out of this trip save for some business class miles and maybe a killer deal on some killer Rioja wine and chorizos. Several things are afoot at work – several bad things, things I am not allowed to talk about to anyone and it is very difficult to not be able to. Then again it’s not like anyone would understand – no one I know can relate to this. I miss that feeling of self-worth I had in New York (despite all the hardships I went through) knowing that my work made a huge difference to the quality of work in my team. I miss the avenue to channel my perfectionism – maybe that is why I am challenging myself so much in the culinary space? It’s not that I haven’t asked for help; help just isn’t forthcoming. It sometimes makes you question your, and pardon the pompous word choice, popularity. What do you do when all your connections, some of whom are your closest friends and who should rightfully know your intrinsic intelligence and worth, don’t offer to help? I do wonder what it must be like to have a perfect life – a great job, a great apartment and a lovely partner to share all of that with. I wonder if these people feel self-righteous when they are on that pedestal and whether they judge your inadequacies worse than they would have had they been less perfect. I wonder if my efforts to help people out in any way I possibly will ever and I really mean ever come back to me in a good way. Not because every good deed deserves a reward because it does so once in a raging while.
The best I can do is to wait out the month of December. Some of my resolutions have been met – savings, wakeboarding jumps, some exciting trips. Some – new job, diving license, losing a shitload of weight -regrettably haven’t.
January will be a new year and a new life. In the meantime, the beaches in Palawan beckon. 
Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “no way, it’s all good”, It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I’m still around

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3 thoughts on “fuckin’ perfect

  1. Hey JupsI've been a lurker in your blog,since your life is so similar to mine.I'm also hating my current job,looking for a new one.And I also have to meet the eligibles just like you! And funnily I'm actually from TamilNadu :)CheersV

  2. Hi girls,that sucks! Just to clarify, I haven't met any eligibles lately. In fact I only ever had dinner with one guy in New York and that was it. The rest dont work out before any real meeting, and thank god for that.

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