And then I wasn’t. Because my mom decided to get completely enraged at me (anger is too mild a word here) for not sending her photos of myself for the accursed godforsaken wretched arranged marriage system during the weekend as I had promised. Funny, I didn’t know that I could fucked for not keeping a deadline outside of work. Evidently my frivolous going out, eating out with friends and studying for the CFA had gotten in the way of more important things.
I am not congratulating myself here, so go with me on this for a bit. I try really really hard. I am working like a dog in this new role to make an impression before the offer letter arrives so that I have some bargaining power. The previous weekend, I spent all 48 hours of it indoors studying. I did not step out. And I wouldn’t have today either if it hadn’t been for Hazel’s loving brunch invite.
Mom’s yelling was no-holds-barred. I silently took it all. I am a liability, a burden, a permanent cause of stress to my mom and the rest of the family. I tried to take the high road… I tried to just let my mom let it all out and then end the conversation. But that didn’t work. It never does. My grandma tried to pacify me… apparently this is all for my happiness. Of course. Yelling at me like I am some kind of wretch, making me feel insignificant is all for my own good. I was given no wiggle room, no room to say look I don’t want to do this anymore…look maybe I don’t want to get married, at least not this way.
It was awful. And it made me realise something shocking. and sad. Like throw in the towel sad. There is no such thing as unconditional love. My parents don’t love me unconditionally, that’s bogus. If they did, they wouldn’t make me feel so pathetic. They would congratulate my accomplishments and support me through my lows. But they really haven’t, not for long stretches of time anyway. There is always the mean reversion in that after a brief period of sympathy, they go back to expecting the heavens from me.
It is exhausting. As is crying for 4 straight hours.