Over

I am tired and ill-at-ease. I think I fucked up the CFA exam.
Predictably there were things I just didn’t know – there always are but I thought I’d be able to “informed guess” and  “process of elimination” my way out of them. I didn’t. And there were things or should I say long-ass fucking formulae that my tired brain should have remembered. I didn’t, no matter how hard I tried. The latter makes me feel worthless and insignificant. Some of us are not skinny. Some of us are not impossibly beautiful. Some of us are not raking in 200,000 dollars a year. Those some (and I do largely mean, myself) need, really need, to feel smart, feel like they can rely on their brains in ways they cannot rely on their bodies. Maybe I am exaggerating, maybe I am not. I have never in my life failed an exam or for that matter, grossly underperformed and in all honesty, I don’t know what I would do or how I would process things if I did this time. And believe you me, it is a very real possibility.

For now, I am just trying to forget this awful aberration but my body isn’t letting me just yet. I went to bed on Sunday night quite late and quite drunk so I had no issues sleeping. Yesterday I was more exhausted than an Egyptian pyramid-builder but I got through the day and went to a nice Moroccan restaurant. Dinner was very pleasant and mom has been by and large very complimentary and supportive. She did order me to throw away my old ballet flats… with good reason. And she doesn’t approve that I cut my hair super short. And as always, “Red meat is not good for your health”. I acknowledge the last one too but nonetheless, I ate some delectable lamb keftas sitting by her and she didn’t seem to mind. For that I am grateful.

I didn’t sleep much at all last night despite being so completely exhausted around dinner time. I just want to recover and feel normal again. What a fucking shite of an exam! And to think I have gone through rigorous engineering school and done pretty fucking well without ever feeling as tired or helpless as I do now. How masochistic am I for voluntarily doing this?

Anyway, it is over. Whether I pass or fail, I don’t have to think about studying for this again for another 6 months and that is something to smile about.

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