This concise and hilarious blurb is in response to me reporting back to Santa last night after a date with a total tosser. He thought he was the proverbial shit. I simply thought he was shit.
Who – a 26 year old man(child) from Yorkshire, friendly, cute in his pictures, funny in his messages
Where – Le Cabane, which turned out to be closed on Sunday night so we went to The Globe
Verdict – Total Tosser!
Here’s the good: He was actually cute, just like in his pictures. He was also on time, well-dressed and had a nice haircut. He was also a rare breed in that he had not lied about his height. A true 5’10’’ which is so rare because, as you know, on the interwebs there are no men between the heights of 5’8” and 6”. He had a smart and interesting job in mathematics, specifically mathematics for gambling. We talked about that.
Now comes the bad: His accent, presumably a Yorkshire one, was extremely unattractive. I skulled half of my first beer because I was getting nervous about not having things to talk about. (I peed twice during that date which was not cute at all). He also told me that he worked for a year and a half teaching math to school kids in Phuket (as a job, not for charity). That raised some alarm bells. That much time working a dead-end job in a dead-end location will give a man serious island-brain. Then I noticed that he didn’t seem to be very curious about me. It was one of those conversations where he’d talk about a theme and I’d chime in with an equivalent experience in the same theme so as to feel that I was also part of this date?
And he chewed gum THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. I have an issue with chewing gum. Never mind the fact that spending my early adulthood in Singapore has ensured that I never crave gum nor do I ever carry it. That’s a different thing. Masticating in social settings looks bovine and uncultured. And it seems to impart to the masticator an effortless air of douchiness. It reminds me of American tourists at foreign airports. I noticed that at one point he even changed gum! He took the one he had in out and wrapped it in the wrapped and then chewed on another one. Which leads me to…. Halitosis?
And then there was the final dealbreaker, the one ding to overrule them all. He kept telling me how other Asian women found him handsome. He has been learning Cantonese, which is commendable, and said that when he’s in restaurants he frequently overhears waitresses whisper “Leng” ** about him. And when we were discussing how Indians don’t like to tan, he brought his own story about he went back to Phuket recently and his former colleagues thought he was more handsome because he was more white. Who gives a shit mate? Let your date decide if you’re handsome. Uhhh, you’re not. Tom Selleck is handsome. Go look him up. Mark Ruffalo is handsome (oh so handsome….sigh). You, bovine sir, are cute, you have puppy eyes and just because you’re so damn conceited, I’ll say this, they are a bit too close together. And besides you were a white man in Phuket. I’ve been there. Doesn’t take much more than a pulse and a dick to get called handsome in Phuket.
The check came and it just sat there for ten minutes. I went to the loo and came back and it still sat there. I drank one last sip of water and pulled out my credit card. He then pulled out some crumpled notes. When the change came back, he kept hesitating whether or not to claim back the 20-dollar bill or leave it as a tip (the Globe doesn’t charge for service). I guess he was wondering if the waitress deserved it considering she didn’t call him handsome.
**My lovely Cantonese-speaking colleague tells me that it is local practice for waiters and patrons to address each other with the “leng” prefix. haha, what a self-indulgent twat!