detox rage – I never really loved you anyway

Lemon Detox Day 3: What is the point of all this anyway?

7.45 am: Weighing scale shows 700 grams off. Only 700 grams?!
I have always wanted to do a detox and yet when I read articles rubbishing the concept, I’d nod in resonance because I believe in evolution and the body’s ability to heal itself. I don’t believe in Juice cleanses because that just sounds like loading your body with a shit-ton of fructose while depriving it of fibre. Hello diarrhoea! I also don’t and have never believed that detoxing is a way to lose weight because crash diets are really really stupid.
I did this detox because it promised me a break for my digestive system and for my body to “cleanse” itself. It also promised to invigorate and energise me, give me healthier skin and hair and the predictable weight loss. None of this has happened for me.


Invigorated and energized? What a load of crock. I don’t feel either. I feel like I would on a bad day when the world rains down on me, like all I want to do is hug my body pillow and go to sleep. Last night when I got back from work, I had a horrible feeling like a fever coming on – exhaustion and the shivers. It was so overwhelming that I stripped down and lay on my bed for a good 15 minutes while waiting for my energy to return. The constant migraine (yes, still continuing on day 3) does not help things. Migraines make me miserable and this one is no exception. So invigorated and energized my ass.

Healthier skin and eyes? Moot point, since I have fairly healthy skin. Eyes – I am not less blind, vision hasn’t changed and I don’t suppose it could!

Shinier hair & stronger nails? I am quite happy with both of these so any change is imperceptible.
Better digestive system? How would I know? I am not eating anything!
Weight loss? Yeah whatever, I reckon I will have lost 3 kilos when I wake up on Saturday morning but that’s just because I will have evacuated my entire digestive system, right? That’s only a sustainable solution if I plan not to eat for the rest of my life which would in turn cause me to have a severe case of the dead-ness. That doesn’t interest me at the moment.
 And finally all this balderdash about not feeling hungry? Well that part is true. Yesterday I felt hungry maybe once for like 30 seconds and that passed after one swig of juice so yes there is no hunger. I have zero appetite and could likely do with just 500 ml of juice (I barely drank 1.5 litres yesterday). Who would get hungry for or even crave this diarrhoea-coloured liquid? 
Show me a poached egg resting on squishy avocado over a piece of rustic brown toast and my appetite will be back in business like General Fucking Motors!
P.S. tonight I will induce the salt water flush. Shudder. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, please phone the authorities.
P.P.S. On the bright side, I don’t miss coffee!

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