For the last few days I have been unable to comprehend my mental state. I have had massive mood swings and I have felt very lonely. I have cried on the phone to Ike and to my brother. I know for a fact that Ike has lost his patience with me even if he says (and he does) he loves me and like me, now uses silly similes like “I love you like eggs love potatoes”. If you don’t get that, then I implore you to try basted eggs on a bed of fried potatoes – it is a most divine marriage.
So anyway, I am chalking this utterly fucked up state of mind out to a variety of reasons.
- It is mentally exhausting to talk in Spanish 24/7. It makes me miss talking in English, which makes me feel far from anywhere I consider home. I am flattered that today an Uruguayan man said I speak “beautiful” spanish but really, it is stressful!
- It is mentally exhausting to travel alone because you have to be on guard all the time. It takes a toll, especially when you’re carrying a thousand dollars of cash.
- Buenos Aires is a lovely city but it has no wow factor for me; I have (unfairly perhaps) compared it to the other places I have been to and it falls short. It’s like any european city, Vienna, Paris or Brussels and unfortunately, I am already bored of the standard European city touristy cliches. I am looking for that wow factor, that moment that takes your breath away…For me, it is that first sighting of giraffe in Amboseli walking almost in slow motion, or that amazing bowl of pho in Pho Hong we walked for two hours in sweaty Ho Chi Minh to find, or the beaches in Philippines where the night sky is so cloudless you can see the entire milky way. That is my wow. (Nonetheless, I would be remiss to not mention how beautiful the Recoleta cemetery was…I also was fortunate enough to have company for dinner two nights in a row, the second of which was my dear friend Van from Brazil and her husband. We ate at La Bistecca which is quite delicious for a buffet-restaurant.)
- Since Ike and I got together, I have not had any privacy nor solitude and even the trips I’ve taken have been with friends or to see family. So all of a sudden, after a long, long time (4 months), I am finding myself alone. Really, really alone and that too in quite literally another corner of the world. It is a bit too extreme of a change for someone who was just getting used to being asked what time she would be home for dinner. So it’s easy to see how I would feel a bit confused and disoriented. No doubt that it is utterly lame for me to feel this way, I am a brave girl. Nayy, I am woman, hear me roar! I am not, I repeat I am not codependent woman, hear me whimper for my man-friend to rescue me.
- And then again, there was the issue of my grandmother’s sister. She passed away this morning, God rest her beautiful soul. It was her time, her suffering came to an end at last but her loss still pains me. I have cried a lot for her, even this morning at 4 am when I heard the news and called my uncle from Jorge Newbury airport and cried buckets without any regard for the passengers nearby who stared in sympathy. One woman offered a pack of tissues, how kind she was.
So really, I am self-aware and I know (or I can guess) why I feel the way I do and at the same time I wish I didn’t.
The good news is this: I found Argentina’s wow and it is here in Ushuaia, South of Argentina, End of the World, tierra del fuego…land of fire…
To be continued…