Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But…

I have had it upto my neck with every fucking loser in my life right now. I seriously hope you all get drenched in a rain of feces because that is how stupid you all are and that is what you deserve. You are an embarassment to society and human intelligence and you’re hurtful to the people around you. The universe would be better off without your stupidity and callousness. You make George W.Bush look like Albert Einstein.

To my boss, I hate you and your double-standard-filled existence. You squeezed every living minute of the last several months of my life and then you forgot to turn in my performance report due to which my bonus was fucked. I hope you lose all your life savings in some stock market crash, you selfish, inconsiderate son of a bitch. I hope your children turn out to be stupid stoners who grow up to hate you.

To the guy who offered to take me out to drinks because he felt bad for me,

First you said you’d take me out on Valentines and you bailed (relax, he’s gay). Fine I let it go. Then you offer drinks again but this time, you decide to invite other people. Next time, you want to appear genuinely concerned about my problems, don’t fucking invite ten other people to the same drinks and don’t ask me if it’s okay to do that. I am heartbroken, so get with the program. I need friendly banter, a kind hug maybe, not a bevy of idiots jerking off to their own awesome jobs. If I want to hear an arrogant guy talk about how good he is, I’ll watch House. At least Hugh Laurie doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the eye.

To my inconsiderate bitch of a house-guest,

Here’s an idea. If you want to give someone a gift or a token of gratitude, then fucking fork over some cash and buy a decent gift. It won’t cost you much. A bottle of wine is always nice, a decorative article for the apartment, something special from your country (for example, a friend gave me the cutest maple leaf shaped bottle of maple syrup from canada)… Here are somethings that DON’T count as presents and in fact expose you for the cheap, accomodation-scalping twat that you are.

1. Breath Mints that cost 1.50
2. A key ring that you later told me was from the 3 for $10 bin
3. Your two left over face masks, that incidentally smell foul and gave me an allergy
4. A discount coupon for a store I never go to and don’t ever intend to go to.
5. YOUR GARBAGE THAT YOU FORGOT TO CLEAR OUT even though I told you exactly where the trash chute was. Did you get confused? Did you find the chute and think it was a mirror because you thought it looked like your face? Huh?

So thank you for staying with me for 8 whole days and leaving me your trash. Thank you for making me reconsider my decision to host people in my lovely apartment. I don’t think people like you deserve it.

To my ex-fiance/boyfriend/whatever-the-fuck-you-are-right-now,

I don’t care if you’re reading this right now, you have grossly disappointed me and nothing will ever change that. You have also effectively shit on every beautiful memory we made together. I seriously hope that we can move onto a better place and that someday we will look at this shit-filled period in our lives and laugh grudgingly. But for now, you have turned me back into the cynical non-believer I used to be before I met you. I love you but that doesn’t change the fact that I cannot forgive you for what you have put me through.

Seriously, I would rather shoot myself in the face and end it all right now than deal with this, but suicide is for cowards and the world needs ranters like me. So fuck you all, I ain’t going anywhere.